Broke down palace. critique?

[billy]

there are a lot of clichés in the poem 4 in the 1st stanza
there are quite a few more.

This brokedown palace;
An unholy shrine,
To house an un-attainable soul.
With every second passed, lines like this do nothing for a poem sho don't tell, use an image
A foundation solid, shifts. a solid foundation, yoda speak is one of the banes of poetry modern
The mortar crumbles.
The ceiling leaks and,
Time takes it's toll.

With the weight of stress
Among other things what other things? this line also weakens the poem
The walls of this temple
Threaten collapse when confronted
By the slightest breeze.

The woodwork that defines
The shrine's frame,
Creeks and moans in pain of
Time's cruel, unrelenting lashings.

The soul housed here
Becoming more and more restless
Within it's confines,
Growing ever weary of
It's shrinking prison,
Weeps rivers of tears,
In a yearning for release.

Intricate B