09-18-2013, 06:19 AM
You've been given some fantastic feedback already, so I'll just jump in a few key points: Don't like the title...but obviously, that's just my opinion. I would see it as "7 things my children should know."
Your metaphors are strong, but sometimes get muddled. I would have like to see the boat one carried on a bit longer, even though having anchor feet is probably hard to jog with. As for the 3, the whole thing could be cut off or needs much more fleshing out. Why does jogging heal the N.? What exactly is he/she running from.
The lonely-loneliness thing has been pointed out already...the father's signature "tangoing" is an odd thing to me. Tango is a dance of two lovers, not sure what the implication of separation is here. And I have to throw in that "home is where the heart is" almost made me gag a bit.
Overall you have some very very good lines that are almost gems. It is your job to pick through, sort, and polish.
Your metaphors are strong, but sometimes get muddled. I would have like to see the boat one carried on a bit longer, even though having anchor feet is probably hard to jog with. As for the 3, the whole thing could be cut off or needs much more fleshing out. Why does jogging heal the N.? What exactly is he/she running from.
The lonely-loneliness thing has been pointed out already...the father's signature "tangoing" is an odd thing to me. Tango is a dance of two lovers, not sure what the implication of separation is here. And I have to throw in that "home is where the heart is" almost made me gag a bit.
Overall you have some very very good lines that are almost gems. It is your job to pick through, sort, and polish.