7 Commandments My Child Should Know (after Tonya Ingram)

[Todd]

Hi Nicolette, welcome to the site! There's a lot in this one to consider. Here are my comments below:

When I consider your title, I immediately think of the Thou shalt or Thou shalt not. I like the title, and I'm not saying you need to adopt that form, but what I read did not come off as commandments. That said, let's go to the lines:

1. I read somewhere,
that as adults,
we try growing into
the traits that would've
rescued our parents.--That is a fantastic observation. It seems true. Unless you really did read it somewhere you could probably simply lead with "As adults..."
And when my father moved out
I started moving.
The day my father's signature--possibly just "his"
danced across a set
of divorce papers,
my body became boat.--Initially, this felt a bit choppy to me, but I got used to it
These ankles retracted anchor.--Like this phrasing
I have been sailor ever since.--so, just to reemphasize and I'll only do this once: Where is the commandment in this?

2. Mental illness runs
in my mother's family
so leaving was more like
a race for my sanity.--This is conversational, and I don't mind that I think you can cut down on some of the my's. There's some filler in all of this (not horrible but there)
There are days when--Not sure you need this line
I wonder if schizophrenia
is what happened
when Liz stopped writing.
When a poet stops being a poet
I guess all of that empty--empty doesn't add much for me and could possibly be cut
silence leaves room for--"for" is a weak word to to do a break on, and breaking on room instead would be more interesting
the walls to start speaking--fantastic line. Very evocative. You could possibly take this idea further.
There are days when I wander
just to see if my feet
are as fast as they
used to be.--all of this part feels a little like the previous section and not to tied to the themes here. I think that's an area to work on
I used to leave what I love.--this needs more lead up in this section for you to sell it to us, in my opinion

3. I love a lot
so I jog often.
Not for hobby,
but for healing.--If this we're phrased as a tight commandment you could probably pull it off. It's simply not enough as it is.

4. Survival is a scary thing,
especially when it means
running from what's
already been sewn into
your family genes.--Again nothing new here that hasn't been better expressed in section one (the first proposition).

5. If your body ever
feels foreign,--There's got to be a better image to express this idea
remember home is
where the heart is--If you're going to use a cliche than you need to lead in with "You've heard it said", or some such thing. It would be better to cut it
so it is no worthless carcass.
Call it Cathedral.
You. Holy congregation
of bones filled to the brim
with sin but blessed
from birth.
Your skin is
nothing short of sacred.
Sanctuary.--A long way to get to "body is the temple of the Holy Spirit" idea
Your muscles only grow
from being torn and rebuilt--This part is moving in a good direction.
so it makes since[b]typo: sense
for these walls to crumble
sometimes.--Not strong enough to hold the line alone
Destruction is a form
of creation.
And of course,
you will want to
dance atop that rubble.
Movement is a sign of life.
Let them see
you're still alive.--These propositions feel a bit choppy and may need to be linked better

6. This life is magic
and you come from
a long line of magicians.
We people of Black suits
and bow ties threaded
from braided chains.
We, wands for wrists,
perfect for reaching
for potions and people
and dreams.
We, top hats for teeth
perfect for abracadabra speaking
things into existence.
We, artists.
We, storytellers.
We, preachers and poets.
We, who spit spells
disguised as poems.
Poems that work like
prayers born between pews.
We, walking sanctuaries
with pews for knees.
We who birth life. Love,
you are nothing short
of magic.--This section feels like it would work well as spoken word especially. I like the rhythm of it. I could see areas I might address but I'm going to chock those comments up to style differences and not worry about them

7. The day the spine
of my father's signature--This isn't bad to return to. I like the closure
tangoed along the rubble
of a broken marriage,
my mother's hips
kissed a beat like
Stevie Wonder
was just invented.--I like this phrasing
And my God,
is it lovely.
How she wears her lonely--That's also sort of nice
in the sway of her shoulders.
See, you come from
a long line of magicians
who don't need to be
run from or rescued.--I don't associate run from with magicians. You could possible include some escape artist imagery to sell the rescued idea more
You are not our final flare.
You are not our savior.
Just our plagiarized draft
of a poem called God.--I like these last two lines. I'd be tempted to end the poem here
Love, if this is what
dominion means,
then Amem. Amen. Amen.

For me the poem seems all about section 1, first part of 2, 6, and 7. The fact that ideas bleed through makes me think that the poem would be better if it were tightened to less sections. Just thoughts. I enjoyed the read. I think you have some nice things going on here that could be developed.

I hope some of this was helpful.

Best,

Todd