Two For Alice (Edit #4 with punctuation)

[ellajam]

Hi, I just came to the thread and given that a lot has gone on already I'll just address the latest edit. I haven't read the comments so please excuse any unneeded repetition.

I took the season breaks to be representative of death and then life or rebirth, or in this case a type of continuance.

I realize this is the novice forum. I may give a lot of comments below, but I'll try to keep them light to honor the forum.

Edit #2

Edit #2

Winter

your empty house sits--what does sits accomplish? Is there a way you could simply use snuggled in a different tense to do the same thing
snuggled in its same footprint--I like this idea, with death there is a finality, a sense of sameness. It reminds me of people that don't change the rooms of a deceased love one and everything remains trapped in the moment of death. Snuggled seems a little too warm of a concept to be here though, maybe an alternate word.
porches forming wings--Makes me think of angels and a departed spirit leaving. Nice imagery
as if it could glide across
the lake's icy reflection--icy is a nice touch. This also implies to me the self reflection of the daughter introduced later

half glassed for winter
half screened to catch summer's breeze--summer feels like an out of place mention here
your home held your soul--too plainly stated for me
cradled it during your stay
released it to soar in joy--nice progression here


Spring

Alice's daughter
has planted geraniums
in window boxes
her mother's home wakes from sleep
grandchildren wade the shoreline--These last two lines are really nice. I question whether you need the first three.

counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go
she clears the hallways
blueprints drawn for room to grow
but replants mom's best loved blooms
---------------------------------

I enjoyed the read. I think you could tighten some, but overall good bones in this one.

I hope some of the comments were helpful.

Best,

Todd

Thanks so much for your thoughtful comments. I'm new here and don't really know yet the difference between this forum and the Mild Critique one. I certainly am a novice critic so I posted here, but certainly appreciate each and every comment.

I am going to have to do something about those geraniums at the start and end of spring, I don't think my point of honor and continuity is coming through well, but I think I'll take billy's advice and take an editing break to let it sit a bit. Maybe. This editing stuff may be addictive, grin.