Two For Alice (Edit #4 with punctuation)
#13
(09-11-2013, 12:41 PM)billy Wrote:  let me say sorry fro saying sour/souring when i should have soar/soaring Blush something i see you dealt with Smile not a lot of changes but you've improved it


(09-10-2013, 07:22 AM)ellajam Wrote:  Edit #2

Edit #2

Winter

your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint
porches forming wings
as if it could glide across
the lake's icy reflection

half glassed for winter
half screened to catch summer's breeze
your home held your soul
cradled it during your stay
released it to soar in joy


Spring

Alice's daughter
has planted geraniums
in window boxes
her mother's home wakes from sleep
grandchildren wade the shoreline

counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go
she clears the hallways
blueprints drawn for room to grow
but replants mom's best loved blooms this line feels like it's just been tacked on ella. and has already been alluded too in the previous stanza. a suggestion would be [and space moms favourite plants to bloom] of something along that line
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(I've considered the word "same" in L2 and can't seem to let it go. I haven't figured out why it doesn't come across when it seems vital to me. hhhmmmm)
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meh on the typos, no biggie. Good point on the last line. I've edited out the other repetitions I thought worked, that should go too. Thanks
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips

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Messages In This Thread
RE: Two For Alice - by cidermaid - 09-10-2013, 04:47 PM
RE: Two For Alice - by billy - 09-10-2013, 05:40 PM
RE: Two For Alice - by ellajam - 09-10-2013, 08:06 PM
RE: Two For Alice - by ChristopherSea - 09-10-2013, 08:51 PM
RE: Two For Alice - by ellajam - 09-10-2013, 10:13 PM
RE: Two For Alice - by ChristopherSea - 09-10-2013, 10:31 PM
RE: Two For Alice (Edit #1) - by spookyfoot - 09-11-2013, 08:38 AM
RE: Two For Alice (Edit #1) - by ellajam - 09-11-2013, 09:59 AM
RE: Two For Alice (Edit #2) - by ChristopherSea - 09-11-2013, 12:07 PM
RE: Two For Alice (Edit #2) - by ellajam - 09-11-2013, 12:26 PM
RE: Two For Alice (Edit #2) - by ChristopherSea - 09-11-2013, 07:02 PM
RE: Two For Alice (Edit #2) - by billy - 09-11-2013, 12:41 PM
RE: Two For Alice (Edit #2) - by ellajam - 09-11-2013, 12:53 PM
RE: Two For Alice (Edit #2) - by billy - 09-11-2013, 01:12 PM
RE: Two For Alice (Edit #2) - by ellajam - 09-11-2013, 09:17 PM
RE: Two For Alice (Edit #2) - by rowens - 09-12-2013, 12:16 AM
RE: Two For Alice (Edit #2) - by Todd - 09-12-2013, 01:48 AM
RE: Two For Alice (Edit #2) - by ellajam - 09-12-2013, 02:40 AM
RE: Two For Alice (Edit #3) - by ellajam - 09-15-2013, 02:16 AM
RE: Two For Alice (Edit #3) - by cidermaid - 09-15-2013, 02:36 AM
RE: Two For Alice (Edit #3) - by ellajam - 09-15-2013, 02:45 AM
RE: Two For Alice (Edit #4) - by ellajam - 10-16-2013, 11:59 PM
RE: Two For Alice (Edit #4) - by tectak - 10-17-2013, 12:49 AM
RE: Two For Alice (Edit #4) - by ellajam - 10-17-2013, 01:16 AM
RE: Two For Alice (Edit #4) - by tectak - 10-17-2013, 04:18 PM
RE: Two For Alice (Edit #4) - by ellajam - 10-17-2013, 11:36 PM
RE: Two For Alice (Edit #4) - by tectak - 10-18-2013, 12:05 AM
RE: Two For Alice (Edit #4) - by ellajam - 10-25-2013, 07:50 PM
RE: Two For Alice (Edit #4) - by Todd - 10-25-2013, 08:52 PM
RE: Two For Alice (Edit #4) - by ellajam - 10-25-2013, 09:00 PM
RE: Two For Alice (Edit #4) - by tectak - 10-26-2013, 04:43 AM
RE: Two For Alice (Edit #4) - by ellajam - 10-26-2013, 05:12 AM
RE: Two For Alice (Edit #4 with punctuation) - by yourfellowhuman - 12-03-2013, 09:40 AM
RE: Two For Alice (Edit #4 with punctuation) - by Canaan McGee - 12-04-2013, 11:21 AM



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