Two For Alice (Edit #4 with punctuation)

[ellajam]

Hi! New to this but liked your work!

Winter

your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint this was probably my favorite line but the "same" part felt a little off to me
porches forming wings
as if it could glide acrossthe combination of as if and could feels too tentative especially compared with the hard brace of the next line
the lake's icy reflection

half glassed for winter
half screened to catch summer's breeze
your home held your soul
cradled it during your stay
released it to soar in joy


Spring

Alice's daughter
has planted geraniums
in window boxes
her mother's home wakes from sleep
grandchildren wade the shoreline

counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go
the house becomes hers this line and the one below feel weaker than the ones surroudning it, i think it's a show don't tell situation[b]
changing it to suit herself
she retains mom's best loved blooms

a really lovely effort!

Ha, those weaker lines are two I changed on edit. I think I might not be a good enough poet to come back later and try to improve it, by the time I'm done it may be totally wrecked, grin. But I'm going to keep at it and see what happens.

I considered changing "same" but kept it. Now you're the second comment on it not working, I'll think it through again.

Thanks so much for your notes, and I hope some of the others who commented will take a look again and see if I've improved or murdered it.