09-11-2013, 08:38 AM
Hi! New to this but liked your work!
Winter
your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint this was probably my favorite line but the "same" part felt a little off to me
porches forming wings
as if it could glide acrossthe combination of as if and could feels too tentative especially compared with the hard brace of the next line
the lake's icy reflection
half glassed for winter
half screened to catch summer's breeze
your home held your soul
cradled it during your stay
released it to soar in joy
Spring
Alice's daughter
has planted geraniums
in window boxes
her mother's home wakes from sleep
grandchildren wade the shoreline
counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go
the house becomes hers this line and the one below feel weaker than the ones surroudning it, i think it's a show don't tell situation[b]
changing it to suit herself
she retains mom's best loved blooms
a really lovely effort!
Winter
your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint this was probably my favorite line but the "same" part felt a little off to me
porches forming wings
as if it could glide acrossthe combination of as if and could feels too tentative especially compared with the hard brace of the next line
the lake's icy reflection
half glassed for winter
half screened to catch summer's breeze
your home held your soul
cradled it during your stay
released it to soar in joy
Spring
Alice's daughter
has planted geraniums
in window boxes
her mother's home wakes from sleep
grandchildren wade the shoreline
counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go
the house becomes hers this line and the one below feel weaker than the ones surroudning it, i think it's a show don't tell situation[b]
changing it to suit herself
she retains mom's best loved blooms
a really lovely effort!