09-10-2013, 08:51 PM
I really liked this pair of gems! Here's my two cents for them:
Two For Alice
Winter
your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint 'same' is not needed and detracts from the great use of 'footprint'
porches forming wings
as if it could glide across
the lake's reflection, soaring 'soaring' is probably not needed; detracts from the 'soar' below
half glassed for winter
half screened to catch summer's breeze love these two lines
your home held your soul
cradled it during your stay
released it to soar in joy
Spring
Alice's daughter
has planted geraniums
in window boxes
her mother's home wakes from sleep
great-grandchildren wade the shore is the daughter that old? to have her own grandchildren?
counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go
Alice's daughter
breathes new life into the void I would replace 'void'; too cosmic & associated the darkpoetry, perhaps simply 'emptiness'
replanting mom's favorites
Two For Alice
Winter
your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint 'same' is not needed and detracts from the great use of 'footprint'
porches forming wings
as if it could glide across
the lake's reflection, soaring 'soaring' is probably not needed; detracts from the 'soar' below
half glassed for winter
half screened to catch summer's breeze love these two lines
your home held your soul
cradled it during your stay
released it to soar in joy
Spring
Alice's daughter
has planted geraniums
in window boxes
her mother's home wakes from sleep
great-grandchildren wade the shore is the daughter that old? to have her own grandchildren?
counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go
Alice's daughter
breathes new life into the void I would replace 'void'; too cosmic & associated the darkpoetry, perhaps simply 'emptiness'
replanting mom's favorites
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris