09-10-2013, 04:47 PM
Hi Ellejam, great to have you with us and thank you for leaving some feedback on other poems.
I really liked the gentle emotional reflections in these poems. i think you did a good job of showing the changing emotions through the season elements. I would have liked to see the punctuation used consistantly throughout (or not at all) You started with none and then threw in the odd commar
All the best AJ.
I really liked the gentle emotional reflections in these poems. i think you did a good job of showing the changing emotions through the season elements. I would have liked to see the punctuation used consistantly throughout (or not at all) You started with none and then threw in the odd commar
(09-10-2013, 07:22 AM)ellajam Wrote: WinterOverall a nice read that i enjoyed.
your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint
porches forming wings
as if it could glide across
the lake's reflection, soaring
half glassed for winter
half screened to catch summer's breeze Not sure you need the repetition of half on this line. Think it works better without.
your home held your soul
cradled it during your stay
released it to soar in joy
Spring
Alice's daughter
has planted geraniums
in window boxes
her mother's home wakes from sleep
great-grandchildren wade the shore
counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go
Alice's daughter Also don't think this repetition adds anything to the read. Perhaps the space would be better used telling us what she cannot afford.
breathes new life into the void
replanting mom's favorites
All the best AJ.