Hale

[Malu]

And cold ponds of surrender

That's a line that stands out. The rest doesn't offer much.

Do you mean spirit and breath?

What exactly do you mean by the rest doesn't offer much?

---

This, to me, feels somewhat unimaginative. Lines 2-4 for instance. I think you could find a more original way of describing an isolated, tropical island with waterfalls. L1 in S2: 'Here is where' sounds awkward to me; in several places the wording seems a bit peculiar. JMHO of course.
Best,
LB

Thanks for the honest opinion