Where the tropical sun shines
In the heart of the Pacific
A beautiful morsel of land sparkles
With waterfalls of majesty
That dance down foliage covered mountains
And cold ponds of surrender
From the cool breeze of the Ko'olau mountains
To the enticing lights of Waikiki
All the way to white sand beaches of the North Shore
Back to a small beach community by the name of Kailua
This is where I am complete
I am myself
As the Aloha Spirit fills the air
With every breath I take
I will never forget
Growing up in a true Paradise
Is a Blessing unlike any other
This is my 'Ohana
Where my 'Aumakua lived
This is my Inoa
Who I am
And it's where My Heart calls Home
And cold ponds of surrender
That's a line that stands out. The rest doesn't offer much.
Do you mean spirit and breath?
This, to me, feels somewhat unimaginative. Lines 2-4 for instance. I think you could find a more original way of describing an isolated, tropical island with waterfalls. L1 in S2: 'Here is where' sounds awkward to me; in several places the wording seems a bit peculiar. JMHO of course.
Best,
LB
(09-09-2013, 09:45 AM)rowens Wrote: [ -> ]And cold ponds of surrender
That's a line that stands out. The rest doesn't offer much.
Do you mean spirit and breath?
What exactly do you mean by the rest doesn't offer much?
(09-09-2013, 10:05 AM)Volaticus Wrote: [ -> ]This, to me, feels somewhat unimaginative. Lines 2-4 for instance. I think you could find a more original way of describing an isolated, tropical island with waterfalls. L1 in S2: 'Here is where' sounds awkward to me; in several places the wording seems a bit peculiar. JMHO of course.
Best,
LB
Thanks for the honest opinion
I mean it just seems the same old stuff that anybody could jot down in a few seconds.
(09-09-2013, 10:42 AM)rowens Wrote: [ -> ]I mean it just seems the same old stuff that anybody could jot down in a few seconds.
Well I did only spend a few minutes on it, there is a little bit more to it than you think, but I just didn't do that awesome of a job getting my feelings across to the reader. But by you just saying the rest doesn't offer much, doesn't offer me anything. I understand critique, and when people give their ideas and opinions on how to strengthen a poem, but what you gave was positive for the one line you liked and then negative for the rest. I understand if you feel like nothing is there for the rest of the poem, but I would hope that instead of just saying there isn't much, you could try to help build my poem and suggest I need better vocabulary or wording or in this case anything. That would actually be helpful.
You can build your own poem.
Other people might see something more than I do in what you have here. But I see nothing but trite utterances after the first stanza. The first stanza is sort of trite too, but at least it sounds pretty.
(09-09-2013, 11:26 AM)rowens Wrote: [ -> ]You can build your own poem.
Other people might see something more than I do in what you have here. But I see nothing but trite utterances after the first stanza. The first stanza is sort of trite too, but at least it sounds pretty.
I know I can build my own poem, thanks for the reminder. But help is what would be appreciated. If you don't see anything in this poem then I'm confused as to why you would choose to comment on it, of all the threads out there. And I find it funny you find the second part overused when you I think you don't even know what some of the words mean.
Your manner and style is trite. The way you write. At least in this poem. That's my critique of it. It doesn't offer enough to have much said about it. So basically, what I'm saying is to try harder. If I didn't keep responding to you, this post would most likely sink into Novice obscurity after a day or two.
(09-09-2013, 11:32 AM)Malu Wrote: [ -> ] (09-09-2013, 11:26 AM)rowens Wrote: [ -> ]You can build your own poem.
Other people might see something more than I do in what you have here. But I see nothing but trite utterances after the first stanza. The first stanza is sort of trite too, but at least it sounds pretty.
I know I can build my own poem, thanks for the reminder. But help is what would be appreciated. If you don't see anything in this poem then I'm confused as to why you would choose to comment on it, of all the threads out there. And I find it funny you find the second part overused when you I think you don't even know what some of the words mean.
he saw it as being trite that in itself should tell you a lot about the poem/ you have no idea what anyone knows/ keep comments to the poem and the poet or critc/mod
(09-09-2013, 11:44 AM)rowens Wrote: [ -> ]Your manner and style is trite. The way you write. At least in this poem. That's my critique of it. It doesn't offer enough to have much said about it. So basically, what I'm saying is to try harder. If I didn't keep responding to you, this post would most likely sink into Novice obscurity after a day or two.
Ok, that's your critique, I guess the message I was trying to get across was to be more constructive.
(09-09-2013, 11:54 AM)billy Wrote: [ -> ] (09-09-2013, 11:32 AM)Malu Wrote: [ -> ] (09-09-2013, 11:26 AM)rowens Wrote: [ -> ]You can build your own poem.
Other people might see something more than I do in what you have here. But I see nothing but trite utterances after the first stanza. The first stanza is sort of trite too, but at least it sounds pretty.
I know I can build my own poem, thanks for the reminder. But help is what would be appreciated. If you don't see anything in this poem then I'm confused as to why you would choose to comment on it, of all the threads out there. And I find it funny you find the second part overused when you I think you don't even know what some of the words mean.
he saw it as being trite that in itself should tell you a lot about the poem/ you have no idea what anyone knows/ keep comments to the poem and the poet or critc/mod
Sorry Billy, but I was just trying to imply that I don't understand how you can view something as overused and trite if they might not even know much about it. It didn't really add up to me, that's all. I wasn't trying to insinuate anything else.
the poem is very generic. is Spirt a word? the images where use are stale and a lot of the poem are givens. some of the Hawaiian words place the poem but not to a specific island.
(09-09-2013, 08:49 AM)Malu Wrote: [ -> ]Paradise words like this need be shown, not spoken. in this instance it could be removed and the poem would lose nothing.
Where the tropical sun shines
Isolated by the ocean, isolated would be enough, let's not forget that oceans also connect instead of by the ocean, use a simile or metaphor; isolated pearls or something connect with the islands
With waterfalls of majesty
That dance down foliage covered mountains
And cold ponds of surrender
This is where I am complete
I am myself
As the Aloha Spirt fills the air
With every breathe I take
I will never forget
Growing up in a true Paradise
Is a Blessing unlike any other
This is my 'Ohana
Where my 'Aumakua lived
This is my Inoa
Who I am
And it's where My Heart calls Home
(09-09-2013, 11:16 AM)Malu Wrote: [ -> ] (09-09-2013, 10:42 AM)rowens Wrote: [ -> ]I mean it just seems the same old stuff that anybody could jot down in a few seconds.
Well I did only spend a few minutes on it, there is a little bit more to it than you think, but I just didn't do that awesome of a job getting my feelings across to the reader. But by you just saying the rest doesn't offer much, doesn't offer me anything. I understand critique, and when people give their ideas and opinions on how to strengthen a poem, but what you gave was positive for the one line you liked and then negative for the rest. I understand if you feel like nothing is there for the rest of the poem, but I would hope that instead of just saying there isn't much, you could try to help build my poem and suggest I need better vocabulary or wording or in this case anything. That would actually be helpful.
part of the problem may be the time spent. The chances of writing a good poem in a few minutes is slightly less than winning the lottery with your first ticket.
You end up writing more tired worn out phrases, like you have here.
(09-09-2013, 12:03 PM)billy Wrote: [ -> ]the poem is very generic. is Spirt a word? the images where use are stale and a lot of the poem are givens. some of the Hawaiian words place the poem but not to a specific island.
(09-09-2013, 08:49 AM)Malu Wrote: [ -> ]Paradise words like this need be shown, not spoken. in this instance it could be removed and the poem would lose nothing.
Where the tropical sun shines
Isolated by the ocean, isolated would be enough, let's not forget that oceans also connect instead of by the ocean, use a simile or metaphor; isolated pearls or something connect with the islands
With waterfalls of majesty
That dance down foliage covered mountains
And cold ponds of surrender
This is where I am complete
I am myself
As the Aloha Spirt fills the air
With every breathe I take
I will never forget
Growing up in a true Paradise
Is a Blessing unlike any other
This is my 'Ohana
Where my 'Aumakua lived
This is my Inoa
Who I am
And it's where My Heart calls Home
Thank you! That is constructive and what I was looking for
(09-09-2013, 12:04 PM)milo Wrote: [ -> ] (09-09-2013, 11:16 AM)Malu Wrote: [ -> ] (09-09-2013, 10:42 AM)rowens Wrote: [ -> ]I mean it just seems the same old stuff that anybody could jot down in a few seconds.
Well I did only spend a few minutes on it, there is a little bit more to it than you think, but I just didn't do that awesome of a job getting my feelings across to the reader. But by you just saying the rest doesn't offer much, doesn't offer me anything. I understand critique, and when people give their ideas and opinions on how to strengthen a poem, but what you gave was positive for the one line you liked and then negative for the rest. I understand if you feel like nothing is there for the rest of the poem, but I would hope that instead of just saying there isn't much, you could try to help build my poem and suggest I need better vocabulary or wording or in this case anything. That would actually be helpful.
part of the problem may be the time spent. The chances of writing a good poem in a few minutes is slightly less than winning the lottery with your first ticket.
You end up writing more tired worn out phrases, like you have here.
Thanks for criticism that was constructive this time! Now I can work on becoming a better poet with feedback like this.
(09-09-2013, 11:55 AM)Malu Wrote: [ -> ]Sorry Billy, but I was just trying to imply that I don't understand how you can view something as overused and trite if they might not even know much about it. It didn't really add up to me, that's all. I wasn't trying to insinuate anything else.
hi malu. i think what's happening here is the poet expecting the reader to see the beauty of the place he writes of. the truth is that bueaty the poet sees isn't portrayed well enough for the reader to see the same thing. it's overused because it's generic. there's little if any freshness. the poet needs to give the read the essence of Hawaii not the essence of every pretty island in the world what you write has been written thousands of times already.
i live in the Philippines we have similar islands here, lots of them. 7000 at last count though not all of them are beautiful
the odds are the reader hasn't seen the island you post of, but that he has seen such poems about other places and things
(09-09-2013, 12:10 PM)billy Wrote: [ -> ] (09-09-2013, 11:55 AM)Malu Wrote: [ -> ]Sorry Billy, but I was just trying to imply that I don't understand how you can view something as overused and trite if they might not even know much about it. It didn't really add up to me, that's all. I wasn't trying to insinuate anything else.
hi malu. i think what's happening here is the poet expecting the reader to see the beauty of the place he writes of. the truth is that bueaty the poet sees isn't portrayed well enough for the reader to see the same thing. it's overused because it's generic. there's little if any freshness. the poet needs to give the read the essence of Hawaii not the essence of every pretty island in the world what you write has been written thousands of times already.
i live in the Philippines we have similar islands here, lots of them. 7000 at last count though not all of them are beautiful
the odds are the reader hasn't seen the island you post of, but that he has seen such poems about other places and things
Yeah, I know I really got to work on getting my message across and create better visuals for the reader with more freshness, thanks again!
If this is:
And it's where My Heart calls Home
then you should be able to do a lot more than this effort. You were there, give me some specifics. Drop the poetry and think like a fiction writer. How would you describe home? In what is essential to this being home, you will find the poetry, and that poetry will be your words.
a thought,
Bill
(09-09-2013, 02:15 PM)btrudo Wrote: [ -> ]If this is:
And it's where My Heart calls Home
then you should be able to do a lot more than this effort. You were there, give me some specifics. Drop the poetry and think like a fiction writer. How would you describe home? In what is essential to this being home, you will find the poetry, and that poetry will be your words.
a thought,
Bill
Thanks for the constructive feedback!
(09-09-2013, 08:49 AM)Malu Wrote: [ -> ]Where the tropical sun shines
In the heart of the Pacific
A beautiful morsel of land sparkles
With waterfalls of majesty
That dance down foliage covered mountains
And cold ponds of surrender
From the cool breeze of the Ko'olau mountains
To the enticing lights of Waikiki
All the way to white sand beaches of the North Shore
Back to a small beach community by the name of Kailua
This is where I am complete
I am myself
As the Aloha Spirit fills the air
With every breath I take
I will never forget
Growing up in a true Paradise
Is a Blessing unlike any other
This is my 'Ohana
Where my 'Aumakua lived
This is my Inoa
Who I am
And it's where My Heart calls Home
Before I go on a crusade for the necessity of titles...what does Hale mean in your mind? If it is that well known word for a Hawaiian hut then I don't get it without a googlin'...but for a dissertation kn "home" I like it enough to read it again. Get back.
Best,
tectak
Admittedly, I find the words to be beautifully used and arranged, but I would echo the sentiment of unimaginative, as Volaticus said. That is to say, lines like, "With waterfalls of majesty," sound beautiful and eloquently glide off the tongue; they aren't exactly creative or bold lines. To be more succinct, I think they're trite. For instance, to elaborate more, "Growing up in a true paradise." What's paradise? The next line, what's blessing? "This is where my heart calls home," is another familiar, often-used connection ("home is where the heart is").
I think you have a beautiful and wondrous template to work off of (Hawaii of all places), if you just dig deeper. That's usually my mantra when conceiving a poem or other work of art, "How can I dig deeper?" Additionally, slow down time. In fact, pause time. Look around you, see what's there that others aren't seeing. That's how you pick up on imaginative details that pull your reader in, whereas "with waterfalls of majesty" takes you out because it's so Hallmark-like.
Best of luck!