09-07-2013, 01:37 AM
I think you need to pick a rhyme scheme and stick with it: avoid the "near rhymes" because they weaken the peace and undermine your "full rhymes" (is that what they're called? perfect rhymes?) - you should try to only use "near rhymes" only when absolutely necessary.
Ditch the swearing. I usually see expletives in poetry as unnecessary. They scream "I'm an angsty teenager!" They tend to work best in satire-esque poems and, honestly, in your use here, it doesn't add much. You can think of another two-syllable adjective to paint a better image there - something that really hits home.
"because numbness is no better
then letting out the pain"
It should be "...THAN letting out the plan." Than is comparative - "He's taller than a tree!"
You've got some work to do but keep up the great work. =]
Ditch the swearing. I usually see expletives in poetry as unnecessary. They scream "I'm an angsty teenager!" They tend to work best in satire-esque poems and, honestly, in your use here, it doesn't add much. You can think of another two-syllable adjective to paint a better image there - something that really hits home.
"because numbness is no better
then letting out the pain"
It should be "...THAN letting out the plan." Than is comparative - "He's taller than a tree!"
You've got some work to do but keep up the great work. =]
-betalife