09-06-2013, 11:19 PM
There's the makings of something there, but it could do with tightening up a little, IMO.
Strip out some of the unnecessary words, and maybe play with structure a little, e.g. looking at the first stanza:
Alone
I woke up in the dark,
cried out for guidance,
Worries and fears overshadowed ... etc.
S2 doesn't entirely make sense; I can work out what you're trying to get across (needing guidance, losing firm ground etc.) but I'm not sure that L2 in particular really helps convey that.
There's a kind of dreamlike quality to the progression; not sure if that's deliberate, or me looking to accentuate the positive
I also like that you don't make any particular statement or indication as to how the invisible helpers are, which leaves it nicely open for thought and interpretation (angels, friends, aliens, something else ... the reader can pin their own backstory on that).
So yeah, something to build on ...
Strip out some of the unnecessary words, and maybe play with structure a little, e.g. looking at the first stanza:
Alone
I woke up in the dark,
cried out for guidance,
Worries and fears overshadowed ... etc.
S2 doesn't entirely make sense; I can work out what you're trying to get across (needing guidance, losing firm ground etc.) but I'm not sure that L2 in particular really helps convey that.
There's a kind of dreamlike quality to the progression; not sure if that's deliberate, or me looking to accentuate the positive
I also like that you don't make any particular statement or indication as to how the invisible helpers are, which leaves it nicely open for thought and interpretation (angels, friends, aliens, something else ... the reader can pin their own backstory on that).
So yeah, something to build on ...