Today
As I woke up in the dark
Alone
I cried out for guidance
As my worries and fears overshadowed my very well-being
I was at a crossroads
With no sense of direction
Desperate for a path
The ground I was once standing on had become damp
I made the first step
And stumbled
I fell to my hands and knees
And froze
As there was nothing but emptiness in front of me
But everything behind
I felt both my hands become held by others
As I was brought to my feet
There was a light shining from behind
The silhouettes beside me
Were now gone from sight
Their presence
However
Is everlasting
There's the makings of something there, but it could do with tightening up a little, IMO.
Strip out some of the unnecessary words, and maybe play with structure a little, e.g. looking at the first stanza:
Alone
I woke up in the dark,
cried out for guidance,
Worries and fears overshadowed ... etc.
S2 doesn't entirely make sense; I can work out what you're trying to get across (needing guidance, losing firm ground etc.) but I'm not sure that L2 in particular really helps convey that.
There's a kind of dreamlike quality to the progression; not sure if that's deliberate, or me looking to accentuate the positive
I also like that you don't make any particular statement or indication as to how the invisible helpers are, which leaves it nicely open for thought and interpretation (angels, friends, aliens, something else ... the reader can pin their own backstory on that).
So yeah, something to build on ...
(09-06-2013, 11:19 PM)Snags Wrote: [ -> ]There's the makings of something there, but it could do with tightening up a little, IMO.
Strip out some of the unnecessary words, and maybe play with structure a little, e.g. looking at the first stanza:
Alone
I woke up in the dark,
cried out for guidance,
Worries and fears overshadowed ... etc.
S2 doesn't entirely make sense; I can work out what you're trying to get across (needing guidance, losing firm ground etc.) but I'm not sure that L2 in particular really helps convey that.
There's a kind of dreamlike quality to the progression; not sure if that's deliberate, or me looking to accentuate the positive
I also like that you don't make any particular statement or indication as to how the invisible helpers are, which leaves it nicely open for thought and interpretation (angels, friends, aliens, something else ... the reader can pin their own backstory on that).
So yeah, something to build on ...
Thanks for feedback! I appreciate it
(09-06-2013, 12:19 PM)Malu Wrote: [ -> ]Today
As I woke up in the dark
Alone
I cried out for guidance
As my worries and fears overshadowed my very well-being
I was at a crossroads
With no sense of direction
Desperate for a path
The ground I was once standing on had become damp
I made the first step
And stumbled
I fell to my hands and knees
And froze
As there was nothing but emptiness in front of me
But everything behind
I felt both my hands become held by others
As I was brought to my feet
There was a light shining from behind
The silhouettes beside me
Were now gone from sight
Their presence
However
Is everlasting
I agree with a previous comment, this could pack more emotion if it was a bit more concise. This could use some trimming, you definitely have something here you can work with. There are extremely short lines followed by very long ones which I think can be condensed as they are rather awkward. I also think you could start out stronger than saying "Today." Along the lines of, but not exactly:
I awaken
In the pitch-black dark
Alone
I cry out for guidance
=======================
I think this will pack more punch if you use the present tense. A good technique I like to use, if you haven't, is writing out the poem and rearranging the stanzas. Even if it doesn't make sense, it helps with perspective and you could see which stanzas are stronger in which place.
Hope this helps.
Hi Malu,
I am writing a comment with my mod hat on.
I appreciate that you are still new to the site and it can take time to get into things, but you seem to be missing the idea by quite a wide mark concerning what is considered appropriate feedback on other poems.
Look at your three offered crits:-
I automatically really liked this poem. The theme of the ocean and life is always a beautiful combination. The personification and detail created a beautiful scene in my mind.
I enjoyed the amount of detail and interpretation that went into describing such an everyday event. It brings new light and ideas when we think at a deeper level. The vocabulary and metaphors used help showcase the feelings, and in my opinion I liked how the hardship was felt, and how there was hope at the end.
I'm really compelled by the meaning and the allusions being used to portray a very surreal image in my mind.
...now ask yourself; have i offered anything that might help them to improve? Are there any objective comments by which they can assess the individual lines or poetic tools used?
From your comments you obviously appreciate it when others offer you some in depth comments or observations, so do you think you have offered anything back by way of return.
There are lots of places on the site where you can get some advise on how to critique skill, it is an aquired skill and we do not expect you to be giving line by line in the serious section, but I would ask that you please try and make your comments more specific and be of some help. I know it can be daunting when you start out, I found that simply spending some time reading the other posts helped me when I first joined.
I'm just trying to offers some pointers and some friendly advise. AJ.
(09-08-2013, 03:06 AM)cidermaid Wrote: [ -> ]Hi Malu,
I am writing a comment with my mod hat on.
I appreciate that you are still new to the site and it can take time to get into things, but you seem to be missing the idea by quite a wide mark concerning what is considered appropriate feedback on other poems.
Look at your three offered crits:-
I automatically really liked this poem. The theme of the ocean and life is always a beautiful combination. The personification and detail created a beautiful scene in my mind.
I enjoyed the amount of detail and interpretation that went into describing such an everyday event. It brings new light and ideas when we think at a deeper level. The vocabulary and metaphors used help showcase the feelings, and in my opinion I liked how the hardship was felt, and how there was hope at the end.
I'm really compelled by the meaning and the allusions being used to portray a very surreal image in my mind.
...now ask yourself; have i offered anything that might help them to improve? Are there any objective comments by which they can assess the individual lines or poetic tools used?
From your comments you obviously appreciate it when others offer you some in depth comments or observations, so do you think you have offered anything back by way of return.
There are lots of places on the site where you can get some advise on how to critique skill, it is an aquired skill and we do not expect you to be giving line by line in the serious section, but I would ask that you please try and make your comments more specific and be of some help. I know it can be daunting when you start out, I found that simply spending some time reading the other posts helped me when I first joined.
I'm just trying to offers some pointers and some friendly advise. AJ.
Ok, thanks. I'll do my best to work on that
really enjoyed this poem! for capture one of the mysterious elements of life, fear of the unknown,and in my opinion the importance of history.
"I fell to my hands and knees
And froze
As there was nothing but emptiness in front of me
But everything behind"
i like theme of hesitation here in the form of elements and environment. that where one is on the path may be somewhere with a difficult direction or none to take.
thanks alot for the post!
(09-09-2013, 07:42 AM)Bunx Wrote: [ -> ]really enjoyed this poem! for capture one of the mysterious elements of life, fear of the unknown,and in my opinion the importance of history.
"I fell to my hands and knees
And froze
As there was nothing but emptiness in front of me
But everything behind"
i like theme of hesitation here in the form of elements and environment. that where one is on the path may be somewhere with a difficult direction or none to take.
thanks alot for the post!
Thanks a lot! Glad you enjoyed it