09-05-2013, 11:02 PM
OK, a couple of basic points - Capitalization and punctuation are still important, even in poetry. They control the mental flow of words for the reader. If you are going to use rhyme, make each rhyme count. "Half-rhymes" like wish/wrists weaken the overall strength of the piece. As does using rhyme in some stanzas and not others.
On the plus side, I can certainly feel the emotional pain you are trying to convey, but sympathy is lessened by use of the vulgarity. I think you can get the severity of the point across without that.
On the plus side, I can certainly feel the emotional pain you are trying to convey, but sympathy is lessened by use of the vulgarity. I think you can get the severity of the point across without that.
"In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite." - Paul Dirac (1902 - 1984)