08-29-2013, 08:10 AM
Hi,
There's something about this that I quite like. The first four of lines certainly got my attention. I didn't understand line five, it seemed random in the whole dream/end of the world context. The rest of the poem, I felt a change of tone from the first four lines. It didn't have the same imagery effect like it did in the beginning and it seemed somewhat flat. I think you could some more images, show the reader the end of the world instead of telling about it. Add some depth. For instance: I'd like to know more about this dark haven, what it looks like, feels like or things like that. "Died in flames / When we crossed the river Thames" felt out of place. It might be the rhyme. It seemed too light.
All this is of course JMHO. I'll be looking forward to read your edit of this poem.
Best,
LB
There's something about this that I quite like. The first four of lines certainly got my attention. I didn't understand line five, it seemed random in the whole dream/end of the world context. The rest of the poem, I felt a change of tone from the first four lines. It didn't have the same imagery effect like it did in the beginning and it seemed somewhat flat. I think you could some more images, show the reader the end of the world instead of telling about it. Add some depth. For instance: I'd like to know more about this dark haven, what it looks like, feels like or things like that. "Died in flames / When we crossed the river Thames" felt out of place. It might be the rhyme. It seemed too light.
All this is of course JMHO. I'll be looking forward to read your edit of this poem.
Best,
LB