08-25-2013, 02:28 AM
Varieties of Indecision
1.
I have bargained for a mundane life of basic happiness and struggle.
I was given the option of living like a madman or god,
But because I did not make a decision, the decision, wisely, retreated,
I very much like the use of the comma around wisely for the pacing
Wanting only the unwavering, demanding extraordinary sacrifice,
This is the line I just don't see.
Passing over the land of men like clouds in the storm,
Rarely, if ever, finding its conclusion with brilliant violence.
Nice two lines, however, this is probably where has its most opportunity to explore. You have this threat of rain. It would be nice if the poem made more use of its metaphors. Particularly when you have erosion in the last stanza. I would make use of the water.
2.
Fuck! The boisterous crowd of me,
Fuck seems to be the right jarring word. It also helps sets a more lighthearted tone here.
once committee and once republic,
The implication is that me wasn't a committee and republic at the same time. I like it as is, but again this is really an opportunity for the poem to explore this further. Right now, it reads nicely, but doesn't offer another dimension.
in the aftermath of a single decision
now riots in the public square.
Someone cries within me:
"Give me the power of a single human being!"
I wonder if this could be phrased better
Then, at last, my word would be
like a palm pressing against a torch,
my will would be a signature
among many others in the contract of time.
contract...meaning we all sign the SAME contract
3.
After my stern declaration I have returned to old ways.
My commitment it seems had been merely political.
How wise it was to promise that things would change!
I wonder about the repetition of change here and then 2 lines down
How ingenious a preservation tactic: to simulate death!
I see no previous indication of death, so the poem doesn't seem to earn this line
Nothing changes, nothing improves, nothing progresses.
Everything adapts, hides, schemes, conceals, fools.
These two lines work actually for the very reason that some of the commentators complain about
What happens, moving forward and then retreating,
In the cowardice of all these years, could be called erosion.
From erosionem, "a gnawing away." God created us,
For what? Not to love. To eat us, to chew us.
I really like the final 6 lines, though the moving forward and then retreating doesn't quite fit 'erosion'.
Overall, I think this works, though as I mentioned throughout, I think this poem could get its individual metaphors and images to work together more.
1.
I have bargained for a mundane life of basic happiness and struggle.
I was given the option of living like a madman or god,
But because I did not make a decision, the decision, wisely, retreated,
I very much like the use of the comma around wisely for the pacing
Wanting only the unwavering, demanding extraordinary sacrifice,
This is the line I just don't see.
Passing over the land of men like clouds in the storm,
Rarely, if ever, finding its conclusion with brilliant violence.
Nice two lines, however, this is probably where has its most opportunity to explore. You have this threat of rain. It would be nice if the poem made more use of its metaphors. Particularly when you have erosion in the last stanza. I would make use of the water.
2.
Fuck! The boisterous crowd of me,
Fuck seems to be the right jarring word. It also helps sets a more lighthearted tone here.
once committee and once republic,
The implication is that me wasn't a committee and republic at the same time. I like it as is, but again this is really an opportunity for the poem to explore this further. Right now, it reads nicely, but doesn't offer another dimension.
in the aftermath of a single decision
now riots in the public square.
Someone cries within me:
"Give me the power of a single human being!"
I wonder if this could be phrased better
Then, at last, my word would be
like a palm pressing against a torch,
my will would be a signature
among many others in the contract of time.
contract...meaning we all sign the SAME contract
3.
After my stern declaration I have returned to old ways.
My commitment it seems had been merely political.
How wise it was to promise that things would change!
I wonder about the repetition of change here and then 2 lines down
How ingenious a preservation tactic: to simulate death!
I see no previous indication of death, so the poem doesn't seem to earn this line
Nothing changes, nothing improves, nothing progresses.
Everything adapts, hides, schemes, conceals, fools.
These two lines work actually for the very reason that some of the commentators complain about
What happens, moving forward and then retreating,
In the cowardice of all these years, could be called erosion.
From erosionem, "a gnawing away." God created us,
For what? Not to love. To eat us, to chew us.
I really like the final 6 lines, though the moving forward and then retreating doesn't quite fit 'erosion'.
Overall, I think this works, though as I mentioned throughout, I think this poem could get its individual metaphors and images to work together more.