More than Once upon a Hillock

[ChristopherSea]

version 3

Apollo rode lesser azimuths,
his chariot streaming hues,
while Luna espoused amber façade

opening with Apollo and then using Luna instead of Diana is a little annoying. Also, espoused it just too cumbersome and clinical plus it makes the line way to sibilant. Skipping an article here makes it feel mre like "faux poetry" than poetry.

and we epitomized autumn,
vermillion veiled maples
with jack-o’-lantern vistas.

alliteration should really be used sparingly - especially the uncommon "v". "Vermillion veiled" feels too contrived, so maybe some change there. jack-'o-lantern vistas is strong, the best so far in the poem.

Demeter’s scions,
we negotiated leaf veins
with carotene stained pelages.

how much stronger would it have been for the narrator to introduce himself and his companion(s) as Demeter's Scions. "We are the scions of Demeter" or "We were the scions of Demeter" "coats" would be nicer than "pelages"

Rakish, our camouflage
of nuptial vestments,
ersatz monks in turmeric robes.

you are heavily modifying everything and pointlessly complicating the language. If it isn't contributing to sonics or meaning, the simplest choice is always best. I read this as you saying turmeric robes are nuptial vestments. I would pick one metaphor and stick with it here, though either would be fine.

Curry flavored mouths,
exchanging lamb stew breaths,
each a wing of one crow



within shared chrysalis,
imaginal discs of what could be.

You have a fragment here. I don't know why your narrator is mentioning these tasty mouths though I suspect he is dining on some "mouth and lamb stew". "each a wing . . ." lacks a antecedent, or rather has a confused antecedent. Are the mouths actually wings? Are the breaths actually wings? The world will never know. "within shared . . " could refer to any number of things and there really isn't a clue as to what is trapped in this chrysalis. The mouths? The crow wings? The breath?


No scattered flock of doubt,

as we derided honking geese
that wing obligatory echelons,
migrating to southern latitudes.

geese honk, no sense pointing it out. I don't think you can wing an echelon. Also, it is unclear if this is the same wing referred to earlier.

I split pine for the hearth;
she gathered stygian blooms
for our Thanksgiving table.

Sun-dialed the hour winter
and she was repossessed,
blushing pomegranate.

"Sun-dialed" works fine as a verb - - - if only there was a noun!!

I entered darkling torpor
within her obsidian boot,
until we became vernal again.

Hes/bil/grey edit version 3: Thanks for the input guys

As a whole, it reads very, very contrived. The language feels forced and unnatural, the narrative so mixed as to be almost impenetrable. You are better off developing a strong metaphor or image than heading pell mell into flock after flock of overmodified construct without justification.

I do think this shows evidence of strong writing and vocabulary, but it needs some tightening.

Thanks for posting.

Hey Milo, my wife said that I needed to use Artemis as my moon goddess to be consistent with Apollo and Demeter!