08-15-2013, 04:40 AM
(08-15-2013, 04:19 AM)TheWall0912 Wrote:You know that sounds beautiful!(08-15-2013, 03:56 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote: There have been several edits of this I first read this and I like it more now. I did want to say that in the case of a double etheree the second part is often used to mirror the first, so I see no problem with repetition. I realize that line 8 is a significant one for you, but if you can shorten it a little the shape of your poem will be perfect. The open shoulder sounds slighty odd to me. Maybe only me, ha ha... Keep at it!If I change lines 9 and 10 to something like:
One of your shoulders was always free,
a resting place for my waterfall eyes.
how does that sound? It solves the issue of line 8 being too long, but now line 10 is a little short.
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris