08-14-2013, 05:08 PM
I find this a little stilted to be honest, just my feeling, a tad disconnected not sure if it's a monologue, dialogue. With the way questions are phrased particularly the one liners, makes me feel it's a dialogue.
Rib remaining with backbone concept I enjoyed. In my opinion if that was expanded upon, metaphorical or not depending on your wants, it would improve the question asked at end of poem and add more substance to the piece in my eyes. If you'd like to open the way you have stating the subject matter for the poem I'd like to see more about the actual 2 mentioned guys or perhaps remove them and simply start with:
Women, were born from....
My two cents. Do think this is workable and can be tweaked to have greater impact.
Thanks for sharing
Rib remaining with backbone concept I enjoyed. In my opinion if that was expanded upon, metaphorical or not depending on your wants, it would improve the question asked at end of poem and add more substance to the piece in my eyes. If you'd like to open the way you have stating the subject matter for the poem I'd like to see more about the actual 2 mentioned guys or perhaps remove them and simply start with:
Women, were born from....
My two cents. Do think this is workable and can be tweaked to have greater impact.
Thanks for sharing