Falling

[Keith]

Edit 1
You're dancing barefoot in the morning dew,
to lose yourself in nature's waking call.
The gardens freshness seems to breathe through you
and spiders spin their webs lest you should fall.
Your open mouth drinks droplets from the flowers, flowrs not flow/ers but wtf
that bow their head before they take your hand.
The pastels brought to life by summer showers showrs not show/ers but wtf squared
grace the captured eyes that watch you stand. "set free the captured eyes that watch you stand" Your poem. Iambs.
The moment breaks with noises in the street,
you turn your smile and see me move away.
The paving stones are patterned by damp feet,
that follow me to arms that hold your sway.
The sweetest rain taps windows in your name,
our first embrace adds colour to the frame.


Original
You're dancing barefoot in the morning dew,
to lose yourself in nature's waking call.
Garden freshness seems to breathe through you
and spiders spin their webs lest you should fall.
Your lips sip pure water from a flower,
that bows its head before it takes your hand.
The traces left by heavy summer showers
have given grace to eyes that watch you stand.
The moment breaks with noises in the street,
you turn your smile and see me move away.
The paving stones are patterned by damp feet,
that follow me to arms that hold your sway.
The sweetest rain taps windows once again,
our first embrace adds colour to the frame.

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Edit 1
You're dancing barefoot in the morning dew,
to lose yourself in nature's waking call.
The gardens freshness seems to breathe through you
and spiders spin their webs lest you should fall.
Your open mouth drinks droplets from the flowers,
that bow their head before they take your hand.
The pastels brought to life by summer showers
grace the captured eyes that watch you stand.
The moment breaks with noises in the street,
you turn your smile and see me move away.
The paving stones are patterned by damp feet,
that follow me to arms that hold your sway.
The sweetest rain taps windows in your name,
our first embrace adds colour to the frame.


Original
You're dancing barefoot in the morning dew,
to lose yourself in nature's waking call.
Garden freshness seems to breathe through you
and spiders spin their webs lest you should fall.
Your lips sip pure water from a flower,
that bows its head before it takes your hand.
The traces left by heavy summer showers
have given grace to eyes that watch you stand.
The moment breaks with noises in the street,
you turn your smile and see me move away.
The paving stones are patterned by damp feet,
that follow me to arms that hold your sway.
The sweetest rain taps windows once again,
our first embrace adds colour to the frame.

Hello tomh,
I was away for the launch of this one but never intended to ignore it. This is right up my street, sonnet form or not there is a natural determination in 3XABAB+GG which you have beautifully cashed in on.
The edit works to enhance the precision and hence the verity of the sentiment expressed. Iambs notwithstanding, you have written a clean and acomplished piece and I wish you (and me) more of them. It is a keeper.
Best,
tectak

Hi tectak
thank you for your feed back and comment all very helpful still on a learning curve with iambs stress and unstressed and all that. Cant settle with this one so edit 2. cheers TOMH

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First 6 lines are fine, lines 3 and 4 I like a lot. You don't need "the" before flowers. After that I feel determination to rhyme and be metrical undermine all.
You have at the start of every other line the pastels/ the moment/ the paving stones/ the sweetest rain. I guess this is the kind of thing that's likely to occur when you're looking too much in the other direction.

Hi Ray
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, I take your point about the line starts and I will have a look at these in the edit, your comments have merit in that the end rhymes are obvious and hence feel a little forced. I just cant bring myself to deconstruct the lines any further so I will leave them for now. Many thanks TOMH