08-12-2013, 10:14 PM
It is alright to tell a story, but your piece is all narrative with little emotion, imagery or metaphor. Over a dozen of your lines begin with He or His. The lines were all written to conform to the rhyming, which truly mangles them for the reader. Write the lines first and then ask if the poem will sound better with rhyme. This line becomes silly with it's end rhyme: 'He dreams of the open ocean, to become pelagic.' Think about what you want to say, as this means: He dreams of open ocean, to become open ocean-like. Some examples of better lines using your own words:
His blade is deadly, holy code fills it,
there is no darkness in his soul.
Work on this, knock off all rhymes, trim repeating themes (we know he is super-knight, no need to say it a dozen different ways). We don't want a blow by blow, but we want to know more about his character and motivation. Thirty lines of verse and we don't know anything about him. Read all the poetry in this forum, try to imitate those you like. Take care.
His blade is deadly, holy code fills it,
there is no darkness in his soul.
Work on this, knock off all rhymes, trim repeating themes (we know he is super-knight, no need to say it a dozen different ways). We don't want a blow by blow, but we want to know more about his character and motivation. Thirty lines of verse and we don't know anything about him. Read all the poetry in this forum, try to imitate those you like. Take care.
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris