Llanbwchllyn Lake

[tectak]

White and yellow water-lilies framing
sky upon its surface; sun and moon
fragmented, swept off to the edges.
Above us in the heather a cluster
of wild horses flash their tails at flies
in the flattening heat. A bird of prey circles,
swoops and arouses maternal concern
for the children below; nakedness splashes
the dignity of mallards and mute swans.
Deep in the night the call of the screech owl,
stars as large as her eyes.
“This is what life could be like…” she whispered,
“…without you,” I manfully ended her sentence.

Hi ray,
Yes. Quite beautiful encapsulation. Imagery rich and textured like tweed. The meter is squeezed out like lumpy toothpaste in some lines...it is odd but it seems to run into lumpiness in L4, then I get over it by hanging on words...cluuuuuster...only to find that the lump has moved on. L5 suffers considerably and I cannot get it to straighten out. Overall, and I may regret this, there is no poetry here. Prose yes....but not poetry....and therein lies the problem. If this was poetry you would never have permitted the last line. It is just too bad for words...and words are all we have.
Best,
tectak