Quote:you use too many intangibles. we don't care if it's religious, or not. at present while religion is apparent in the poem, little else is. the 1st stanza looked interesting then it got buried under words that really say the same thing and nothing. there's no depth no theme. just a question. where is god. i'm not sure that's enough in form put forward.
Quote:Thanks for the input. I'm taking this pretty seriously as I really do want to become a better poet. When you say that the words say the same thing and nothing, could you give an example from the poem of what you're talking about? Also, the theme was not the question "where is God". This poem was meant to explore two common conceptions of death, and show how similar they may end up being in the end. Maybe I did a bad job of making this clear?the poems feels to me to be asking is there something more or is this it. exploring a conception of something is a bit or a whole lot like asking a question. that you use the biblical (i knew it wasn't the band) Abba, i'm presuming it's god you're asking. there's a lot of words you don't need.
hope it helps
Briefly,
who knows how long… but briefly,
I will take off these clothes of flesh and bone
as breathing stops, neurons rest, and thoughts go silent. you'll die, but this expands on that and does a pretty good job of it,
Ludicrous me:
plunged into inconceivable abyss… does this need [the] or before [inconceivable]
eternity. you're dead
I’m a man undone, unbound., a suggestion would be, [i'm a man unravelled] not sure unbound is needed as one or the other feels redundant
Eternity: the end of time, there is no end of time in eternity
the end of physical illusion, a good line
has absorbed me. you're still dead
Transcending endless universes… and then?
Unknowable. you're not sure if your dead
It must be my hope to find that First Source, god? i hope to find the source
that Unmoved Mover, god?
the Grounds of all Existence:god?
the Everlasting. you're hoping after you're dead? and again another reference to god
My voiceless spirit cries out “Abba” is this to the father or the band? if it's the father then it's god the father, which is where i get the questioning god from [voiceless] is pretty much a given so it would be [my spirit cries out]
and is heard.
Joined with my Origin,what origin?
sorrows cease. till this point there is no mention of sorrow
Or so I aspire, aspire to what, have one's sorrows cease?
but the unknown is endless. still saying the same thing
I may fade into nothing, absolutely nothing. absolutely nothing is nothing; say it again
it reminds me of an edwin star song In which case, I am dissolved into that first source, the first source again
that unmoved mover, the unmoved mover again
the very grounds of existence:the very grounds of existence:again
the everlasting. and we have a winner another again.
I neither hear, nor can I be heard.
Joined with my origin, what origin
sorrows cease.
So what can I fear of leaving this body?