Ra

[tectak]

Her body lies ochre-and-black dappled,
smokey and flecked, jittery, content,
Her mass of fraying, saliva-slicked tufts
rising and falling in rhythm, in waves,
Her voicings of pleasure, droning and stayed,
in time with her motions,
             mechanations of a godly machine,
Her skin still steaming from the heat of the sun:
the mother-god, father-god, her kin, the one
fresh-risen and fruitful, who bears life to all
with embracing and absence, time's twist and fall
that awakens the healthy and taunts the unslept,
unkempt subject, the wretch, unflecked
by the chaos and passion and the warmth of the sun.

Hi ghrmjm,
This piece is moved to novice...do not be alarmed. There is much wrong in the following departments:
Punctuation
Syntax
Meter
Meaning
That is not to say you should make huge changes in order to submit this to the Serious Workshopping forum...it is just that there is so much to do that the work involved would be better tackled at a more basic level and with more input.
Best,
tectak


[I guess this is me trying to be Heaney-esque.]