dogged

[Zabrina]

I never expected anything
but I had a ray of hope,
that curled around emotions l
ike a pale pink silken rope.
My intellect tried to tell me
that I was lurching into daft,
but starlight reflected in your eyes
and at your cruel words, I laughed ( this part)

The last line, it feels like when you have put 'I laughed', it was as if you were desperate to fill the line as to not make it too short haha. In my opinion, it seems out of place. Doesn't fit with rhyming and sounds a bit forced.


To me, the last stanza seems to be the most awkward.

I thought my love of angst
would carry on, for never-ending time, (this part)
a chequered quilt of constant warmth
that made me feel sublime.
But it's fraying at the edges
with patches of threadbare,
I'll carry on regardless though
till I'm left with nothing there.

The second line seems to be too long and doesnt quite fit because the rhyming wasn't consistent. Angst was meant to rhyme with warmth to keep consistency. as well as edges and though should have rhymed.

As everyone else though, I liked the first stanza too. It started pretty good, especiallu the rhyming.