08-07-2013, 12:41 PM
i really like the 1st part, though it does need a bit of an edit to sort some syntax problems out
That leaf, which pops out of the burgundy stalk,
half in shade, beneath my porch, beside gravel walk, [the]after [beside]
and gives rest to a bug (of an unknown sort, crawling slowly), soaks in day: no need for [and] at the start of the line, a suggestion would be [gives rest to an unknown bug,....] i'd also suggest [it] before [soaks] and [the] before [day]
playing stoic receiver of the birds’ report.
the 2nd stanza does nothing for me as a reader. take it from me, the leaf knows not of your yearning :J:
That leaf, which pops out of the burgundy stalk,
half in shade, beneath my porch, beside gravel walk, [the]after [beside]
and gives rest to a bug (of an unknown sort, crawling slowly), soaks in day: no need for [and] at the start of the line, a suggestion would be [gives rest to an unknown bug,....] i'd also suggest [it] before [soaks] and [the] before [day]
playing stoic receiver of the birds’ report.
the 2nd stanza does nothing for me as a reader. take it from me, the leaf knows not of your yearning :J: