08-06-2013, 10:31 AM
Hi,
The lines could be shortened. A lot. I must admit I quickly lost interest because of the heavy feel it has. For instance: the first three lines are one long sentence without a pause; awkward in places and heavy to read. Goes for most of it. You do have some good images, but many are being let down, I felt, by wordiness and too many adjectives.
Shorter lines, sharper images and removal of filler words would do this poem good. JMHO.
-LB
The lines could be shortened. A lot. I must admit I quickly lost interest because of the heavy feel it has. For instance: the first three lines are one long sentence without a pause; awkward in places and heavy to read. Goes for most of it. You do have some good images, but many are being let down, I felt, by wordiness and too many adjectives.
Shorter lines, sharper images and removal of filler words would do this poem good. JMHO.
-LB