Older Days

[shepdog329]

If the righter was done
Finished and grimaced
With a silver tongue
Than Id fall right back to the beginnings
With whatever was won
But you don’t wear my chains
Nor should I know the same
If the beginning was winnings
And the rest was up to the sun
Than the crest would be flat
And stretch the riddler’s fun

[tectak]

If the righter was done
Finished and grimaced
With a silver tongue
Than Id fall right back to the beginnings
With whatever was won
But you don’t wear my chains
Nor should I know the same
If the beginning was winnings
And the rest was up to the sun
Than the crest would be flat
And stretch the riddler’s fun

Hi shep.
As there is no attempt to follow forum rules regarding the correction of basic errors, including typos, I have no choice but to move this to Novice, where you may be better received. There is no shame in this but you should know that this forum is for serious workshopping and is not intended as a correction facility.
Best,
tectak

[jdguyb]

this poem makes absolutely no sense. there is no message. just a bunch of random rhyming words

[Volaticus]

Hi,
This poem didn't make much sense to me neither, and the typos just made it more difficult to read.
What did you want to convey? Who is the narrator? Who's the 'you'? There are more questions than answers.
JMHO. Do keep writing.
-LB

[Zabrina]

I don't quite understand what the message is of this poetry. Maybe you could explain a little bit?

[ChristopherSea]

Holy rhyme and reason Batman, the Riddler is on the loose again, wronger than ever! Did you mean writer in the first line and is this piece a Riddle? No one will know if you don’t say so. Other problems for me with beginning poets: 1) Punctuate, use at least commas and periods. If you can’t master them, then leaving them out is laziness. 2) Only capitalize the first word of each sentence. I can only assume you don’t because your word program automatically does. That is laziness and this isn’t the Victorian Age. 3) Don’t force rhymes. They don’t make lines into poetry. They usually mangle any meaning before them. Write the lines first. Make your point, tell your story, paint your vista and then ask, will this benefit from rhythm and rhyme. I placed rhythm before rhyme, because without it, the latter does nothing. Re-work this, I will read it. If it is a true riddle and you take the time to make a better effort at it, others will make an effort to try to solve it.