A morgue's assistant Edit two!

[TheWall0912]

He enters the morgue for the first time,
not knowing what horrors he will see.
He looks for something to mime, Could just be me but I don't really think this line or the next fit in with the poem. The rhyme feels forced.
Something to be.

He knows the job description,
Cut up bodies, learn what the killing blow was.
What is the encryption?
Well lets get to it, lets break out the saws. "Saws" does not rhyme with "was" and it throws me off a little when I read this. Maybe something like, "Let's get to it, let's find the cause" if you want to keep the same idea going, but I don't know.

His first body.
He's never tasted deaths sweet stagnant air. I like to use present tense "tasting deaths sweet stagnant air"
The tools he uses are not shoddy, present tense, "using tools that aren't shoddy"
Is this really fair?

His first candidate,
A young man of 20.
If only he knew why he messes with blood coagulate
Something doesn't seem right. No rhyme here, why?

He pauses and has a sense of conscience.
He cant go through with it.
Something doesn't make sense.
He walks out and goes home to have a fit.



this is my first post on the mild critique board. Please honest feedback. I don't know If I'm ready for this level of poetry. Feel free to move It to the novice forum if you see fit

My edits are just my opinions. I think there are a few lines that need to be worked on. I like where you are heading with this poem, I have never read anything about this before, interesting idea, but I think it needs to be developed more. Why does he choose to leave? In S5 you say "Something doesn't make sense." Well what is it that doesn't make sense? It is clear that he finds the job harder than he originally though, and maybe immoral? But I think you need to show more. Just my opinion though. Good start! Look forward to the next draft!