07-28-2013, 10:46 PM
I'd suggest cutting "in lines" from line 1.
If music opens a channel to God
your message of despair, each note a screw
on a Pharisees' thumb, but a gentle breeze
in my ears, would have made Him close His eyes.
but a gentle breeze in my ears, - the passage would be better without this, it feels like too much qualification somehow.
I'd lay on my bed at night and play your albums; - the weakest line by far. I'd be more specific, a particular song, maybe.
"that spoke to me" is more succinct.
as though sadness
is its own reward, a dignity during chaos - very good ending, best part of the poem.
If music opens a channel to God
your message of despair, each note a screw
on a Pharisees' thumb, but a gentle breeze
in my ears, would have made Him close His eyes.
but a gentle breeze in my ears, - the passage would be better without this, it feels like too much qualification somehow.
I'd lay on my bed at night and play your albums; - the weakest line by far. I'd be more specific, a particular song, maybe.
"that spoke to me" is more succinct.
as though sadness
is its own reward, a dignity during chaos - very good ending, best part of the poem.
Before criticising a person try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise that person, you are a mile away.... and you have their shoes.