Senryu

[Volaticus]

I am like haiku/senryu n00b number one, so every time it isn't 5-7-5 I get all OCD and weird, but this poem made me get that, 'Hmm, nice' feeling.

Glistening skin,
trembling body -
heatstroke

I get to the last word and my impressions (or maybe more accurately, real-time predictions) completely falter. Now I am thinking about the hot lover's touch and its relation to the previous words.

I don't think the emdash/hyphen is doing any good out there. It is a senryu so the cut is implied and without the dash you add the ambiguity of 'trembling body heatstroke' . . . jmo

Thanks for sharing.

Hi Wildcard,
Thanks a lot for your feedback. I still consider myself a novice in this form, so I appreciate your idea of removing the dash. I hadn't thought of it like that, but I like it better actually. Thanks again.
My best,
Louise