Poetry Forum

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Glistening skin,
trembling body
heatstroke.

Original

Glistening skin,
trembling body -
heatstroke.

Makes me feel warm in this room

Very good and clever in a few ways, I've read it a few times and I've just noticed that even the word heatstroke has erotic connotations because of stroke.
I'm not sure if your title is asking a question or if it's just ironic. This has a lot of the aspects of a haiku like season and juxtaposition but I don't think it would be classed as a haiku because they are usually about nature, although it could be argued that there is an element of nature. I find that when in doubt call it a senryu... and then run away... fast.
Thanks for the read,
Mark

i think this is one of those that ray said could be either.
i'd say senryu, but only out of choice, it works with the sex aspct or with the dehydration aqspect as an image excellent

(07-26-2013, 03:17 AM)rowens Wrote: [ -> ]Makes me feel warm in this room

Hi there,
Thank you so much for commenting, it means a lot to me.
I'm glad it made you feel warm.
All my best,
Louise

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(07-26-2013, 07:33 AM)ambrosial revelation Wrote: [ -> ]Very good and clever in a few ways, I've read it a few times and I've just noticed that even the word heatstroke has erotic connotations because of stroke.
I'm not sure if your title is asking a question or if it's just ironic. This has a lot of the aspects of a haiku like season and juxtaposition but I don't think it would be classed as a haiku because they are usually about nature, although it could be argued that there is an element of nature. I find that when in doubt call it a senryu... and then run away... fast.
Thanks for the read,
Mark

Hi Mark,
Thanks so much for your kind feedback. I'm happy that you enjoyed the poem. I tried to make a poem about heatstroke, but wanted a lot of sexual undertones.
I had a question mark in the title, cause I wasn't sure whether it was a haiku or a senryu. Thanks for the explanation. Based on yours and other helpful comments I've gotten, I think it's mostly a senryu.
My best,
Louise

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(07-26-2013, 08:04 AM)billy Wrote: [ -> ]i think this is one of those that ray said could be either.
i'd say senryu, but only out of choice, it works with the sex aspct or with the dehydration aqspect as an image excellent

Hi billy,
Thanks for taking time to explain and comment. Much appreciated as always
My best,
Louise

the last line is pretty damn good actually. it is an almost perfect line in relation to the poem in two syllables, and shows that 575 is a guide.

(07-26-2013, 01:02 PM)billy Wrote: [ -> ]the last line is pretty damn good actually. it is an almost perfect line in relation to the poem in two syllables, and shows that 575 is a guide.

Thanks so much, billy
5-7-5 is indeed just a guide. It's pure coincidence if I end up with a 5-7-5 poem; mostly they're shorter I think.
Thanks again.
Best,
Louise

I am like haiku/senryu n00b number one, so every time it isn't 5-7-5 I get all OCD and weird, but this poem made me get that, 'Hmm, nice' feeling.

Quote:Glistening skin,
trembling body -
heatstroke

I get to the last word and my impressions (or maybe more accurately, real-time predictions) completely falter. Now I am thinking about the hot lover's touch and its relation to the previous words.

I don't think the emdash/hyphen is doing any good out there. It is a senryu so the cut is implied and without the dash you add the ambiguity of 'trembling body heatstroke' . . . jmo

Thanks for sharing.

(07-26-2013, 03:07 PM)Wildcard Wrote: [ -> ]I am like haiku/senryu n00b number one, so every time it isn't 5-7-5 I get all OCD and weird, but this poem made me get that, 'Hmm, nice' feeling.

Quote:Glistening skin,
trembling body -
heatstroke

I get to the last word and my impressions (or maybe more accurately, real-time predictions) completely falter. Now I am thinking about the hot lover's touch and its relation to the previous words.

I don't think the emdash/hyphen is doing any good out there. It is a senryu so the cut is implied and without the dash you add the ambiguity of 'trembling body heatstroke' . . . jmo

Thanks for sharing.

Hi Wildcard,
Thanks a lot for your feedback. I still consider myself a novice in this form, so I appreciate your idea of removing the dash. I hadn't thought of it like that, but I like it better actually. Thanks again.
My best,
Louise