07-26-2013, 03:07 PM
I am like haiku/senryu n00b number one, so every time it isn't 5-7-5 I get all OCD and weird, but this poem made me get that, 'Hmm, nice' feeling.
I get to the last word and my impressions (or maybe more accurately, real-time predictions) completely falter. Now I am thinking about the hot lover's touch and its relation to the previous words.
I don't think the emdash/hyphen is doing any good out there. It is a senryu so the cut is implied and without the dash you add the ambiguity of 'trembling body heatstroke' . . . jmo
Thanks for sharing.
Quote:Glistening skin,
trembling body -
heatstroke
I get to the last word and my impressions (or maybe more accurately, real-time predictions) completely falter. Now I am thinking about the hot lover's touch and its relation to the previous words.
I don't think the emdash/hyphen is doing any good out there. It is a senryu so the cut is implied and without the dash you add the ambiguity of 'trembling body heatstroke' . . . jmo
Thanks for sharing.