07-19-2013, 06:08 AM
One,
pinging sound as the metal falls to the cold wet ground.
body not breathing in a pool of blood that surrounds.
Two,
hands are trembling violently and this night is why.
blue eyes praying for a signal to come from the sky.
Three,
sirens blaring in the distance not so far from me.
cars searching streets for the person who must not be free.
Four,
police officers now survey the scene of the crime.
strong arms will pat him down because he ran out of time.
Five,
miles and a trial from what his life will become.
minutes are not enough to erase the deed he's done.
I really enjoy the visuals; you have strong imagery working in your favor in this poem.
My suggestion would be to take out the list. The couplets alone give us enough information to see a sequence.
In addition, you may want to redo some of the cliché’s as been brought up before. I always tend to have clichés when I write poems, but I try to flesh them out during revisions. "sirens blaring" "survey the scene" "pool of blood" these can be reworked.
Try and use present tense instead of present participle, it makes for a greater effect/affect. For instance: "pinging sound as the metal falls to the cold wet ground." could be "metal pings the cold wet ground."
If you have lines that seem distant or the speaker is unsure of his/her proximity to the image/description, you can always add metonymic or metaphoric devices to clean up the ambiguity. For instance, "sirens blaring in the distance not so far from me" could be "sirens in the distance like the arm of a nightmare pulling me towards the alarm" or something like that I guess. I really like billy's suggestion of changing "blaring" to "caterwaul." Just be careful not to use words if you don't really understand them, it could come off pretentious.
Great draft. I look forward to reading your revision.
pinging sound as the metal falls to the cold wet ground.
body not breathing in a pool of blood that surrounds.
Two,
hands are trembling violently and this night is why.
blue eyes praying for a signal to come from the sky.
Three,
sirens blaring in the distance not so far from me.
cars searching streets for the person who must not be free.
Four,
police officers now survey the scene of the crime.
strong arms will pat him down because he ran out of time.
Five,
miles and a trial from what his life will become.
minutes are not enough to erase the deed he's done.
I really enjoy the visuals; you have strong imagery working in your favor in this poem.
My suggestion would be to take out the list. The couplets alone give us enough information to see a sequence.
In addition, you may want to redo some of the cliché’s as been brought up before. I always tend to have clichés when I write poems, but I try to flesh them out during revisions. "sirens blaring" "survey the scene" "pool of blood" these can be reworked.
Try and use present tense instead of present participle, it makes for a greater effect/affect. For instance: "pinging sound as the metal falls to the cold wet ground." could be "metal pings the cold wet ground."
If you have lines that seem distant or the speaker is unsure of his/her proximity to the image/description, you can always add metonymic or metaphoric devices to clean up the ambiguity. For instance, "sirens blaring in the distance not so far from me" could be "sirens in the distance like the arm of a nightmare pulling me towards the alarm" or something like that I guess. I really like billy's suggestion of changing "blaring" to "caterwaul." Just be careful not to use words if you don't really understand them, it could come off pretentious.
Great draft. I look forward to reading your revision.