"Broken" a poem-very rough draft

[Todd]

Okay brutally honest input,

Well, let's just call it blunt trauma input:

Hey brutally honest input wanted, aside from spelling etc, thank you so much.

"Broken"

My mind is pacing, heart racing, .--While this opening rhyme might sound good in a spoken piece, heart racing is a bit common bordering on cliche. The punctuation after heart racing with the comma and the period is off. is it skipping beats? I've lost count to daydreaming, lost time to scheming, some may say a soul without a meaning.--Another issue is there's not a lot going on here. I've lost count to daydreaming is odd phrasing. After say you seem to want an "I have". When you think about the content, what is really being said here? Not much in my estimation.

anticipation... our creation: an alternate universe, but baby don't you know that you're my curse?--Again light on content

but lets rehears,

you play your part n' ill play mine, breath in breath out and I know that you're mine. you're my addiction.--You're my addiction is a bit cliche. Nothing memorable or evocative here with the language

we can buy a little time, attraction or distraction? what you need, not want you want, take your time baby, it's priceless.--A lot of filler words. "not want you want" is awkward. Priceless doesn't actually convey much of anything. You are dying for imagery here.

livin a lie baby, I can tell that you're lonely.--livin' a lie is cliche. Again, it needs imagery and better phrasing

I'll let you in, you cant take whats been given, It's you, you I want. So simple I don't ask for much, the way you make me feel I need to be a part of you.--This reads flat. No emotion in it. Nothing at stake

So lay me down to rest , with my head apon your chest, tell me what I want to hear, please don't break my heart, dont tell me what I fear--You do things for the sake of rhyme without making sure the choices enhance the content. Break my heart is again cliche

I barely know you but you know me, I'm your addiction.

I really wasn't trying to be brutal for the sake of brutality. I just didn't see one phrase or image to build on. I think it's a complete rework.

Sorry I couldn't be more positive.

Best,

Todd