Thorazine shuffle

[allykat727]

I started feeling sorry for myself
long before I had seen my reflection
in the shimmery linoleum tiles nice imagery
stretching into blind corners what do you think of switching this line with the one above it?

Toward magnetic doors
where melancholy macaroni people nice alliteration. these words roll off the tongue. do they mean something besides this?
strapped to rolling recliners again, nice alliteration
stare at Plexiglas TV's

I wear yesterdays black and white I think it should be 'yesterday's' with an apostrophe to show posesession
a step at a time, one two, one two
but see breaths collectively stop hmm.. what is 'see breaths' trying to say? is this 'see' in the visual sense or see like 'well, you see...' like you are about to explain something.
when the dead walk the halls

As cold as this place is
my head has been on fire i like these lines.
they slam it into origami cups
rattled at me like a baby you have up and switched verb tenses. perhaps you should say 'and rattle'?

Coo and fall
face first into tomorrows
slobber on Fir spoons, flavor
mixed with vanilla ice cream
makes it taste like Wednesday like Wednesday? I can't seem to make sense of this.

When they are out of vanilla
I get an extra rattler
sucked up in a syringe
and a bolted bed of oak alliteration again in this line and the one before it. very nice.
from the eighties

In gloves, they pull my hair
because it make me twitch typo? did you mean 'makes'?
and no one wants me spitting
while my eyes are closed

They say things like, "We'll talk about this later"
wrap my wrists in sheep's wool, wrapped in leather are your wrists wrapped in sheep's wool or leather? the repetition of wrap is confusing
clasped by buckles, pulled
tight enough to close my eyes I might suggest something like 'pulled tight enough to smash my eyes shut'
because choclate doesn't have a taste
and neither did feeling sorry for myself

Thanks for the read