stepson

[hardon]

head on backwards
heart unfair
beaten black
everywhere

what's a boy
if he's no heir
a bivouac
a blistered snare

decontrolled
and drunken whole
meets unrelenting
self-control

I'm a match
that can't be lit
fuck your demons
fuck this shit

take this sinking ship
I'm taking you down with
because those last few weeks
seemed fucking years to me

take this bloody shiv
I cut our ties off with
hot white knuckle grip
I'm finally losing it

[cidermaid]

Hi Hardon
I want to ask "what happened?" It was going along nice and smooth and then suddenly you changed tack for the last two stanzas. On first read I personally think they don't add anything to the poem and you could loose them.
But will come back and will re-read soon to offer some further crit and see if I change my mind about the last two stanzas. (sometimes it takes a few reads to get something !)
AJ.

[Vistaldust]

Hardon, I see the anger in this. I really like the flow of the first four stanzas. It leaves room for a bit of mystery. The fifth stanza gives an awful lot away.

[Brownlie]

You cut your ties but you're writing about him.

[Bunx]

i think this is more of a rap then a poem. i pictured ice-t singing this at full volume.

[hardon]

Cidermaid:
You might be right I didn't read it through a lot of times just wanted to see what would happen if I wrote down. I will await your brutal full crit
Vistaldust:
I used to get angry all the time and most of this I've never processed as psychiatrists gave me the creeps when I was younger I just thought "well fuck it".
Thanks for commenting on my stuff man.
Brownlie:
Story of my life basically
Bunx:
lol piss off
it's more eminem-ish anyway lmao

[cidermaid]

Sorry to dissapoint - no brutal crit as such.

head on backwards Think this is a great opening line
heart unfair Feels a little abstract and dissconnected from the first line (and then does not seem to be picked up or explained later...who's heart is unfair, the narator or the person who is doing the beating
beaten black linked to the first line, good solid intro. You have introduced the reader to a strong meter and rhyme scheme
everywhere

what's a boy
if he's no heir
a bivouac
a blistered snare This stanza has some great sounds and pace to it but the last word feels like a forced rhyme with no real meaning. I think you need to pair up the image with the bivouac (temp encampment in an unsheltered area). So that they support or reinforce each other. (I do not have a mental image for what a blistered snare would be or look like).

decontrolled
and drunken whole
meets unrelenting
self-control Again some great punchy lines and images but is a bit vuage as to who is drunk and who is controlled.

I'm a match
that can't be lit
fuck your demons
fuck this shit Think this is a strong enough stanza to be your last / ending stanza.

take this sinking ship
I'm taking you down with
because those last few weeks
seemed fucking years to me Sorry this stanza leaves me cold. Not really saying anthing to me. I get the anger and resentment as an emotion, but no images. sinking ship cliche,

take this bloody shiv
I cut our ties off with
hot white knuckle grip
I'm finally losing it This is also a strong stanza, but it is telling rather than showing. I prefer the unlit match as a close image to project the flamable depth of the emotion and anger in the home.

Hope this is of some hep. I really liked this one. AJ.