Watching Out edit 1 milo

[tectak]

Watching Out

Dress crumpled, lying on the floor. Wine stained. Stained.
Shoes apart by a full bed length. One heel broken. Broken.
From door to bathroom, trail of bottles, tubes, potions, pills. Crushed.
Lipstick smeared greedily around bursting, baby lips. Baby.
Leg dangling, arm dangling, hair swept by awkward winds. Breathing.
Young breasts like uncared for kittens, out all night. Lights out.
Asleep but still plugged in. Pink wired ears, buzzing. Asleep.
4 a.m. Home. Safe. Seventeen. Safe.
tectak
2013


Original
Dress crushed upon the floor. Wine stained. Stained.
Shoes apart by a full bed length. One heel broken. Broken.
Door to bathroom trail of bottles, tubes, potions, pills. Some crushed.
Lipstick smeared greedily around bursting, baby lips. Baby.
Leg dangling, arm dangling, hair swept by awkward winds. Breathing.
Young breasts like uncared for kittens that will stay out all night. Lights out.
Asleep but still plugged in to mp3. Pink wired ears, buzzing. Asleep.
4 a.m. Home. Safe. Seventeen. Safe.
tectak
2013

In response to your previous post, (because I don't know how to quote multiple quotes) You picked a good title, feel like "Watching out" is more precise than "worrying times".

I like these edits..

"Dress crumpled, lying on the floor. " crumpled gives the same effect as crushed does but is more understood.

"From door to bathroom," It reads a great deal easier.

"Young breasts like uncared for kittens, out all night. Lights out."
I like how you shortened it up. Could "Hardened" work here?
"Young breast like hardened kittens, out all night. Lights out."

I like the visual of the mp3. It reads fine without it because it is reinforced by "Pink wired ears, buzzing"

Some good edits.

I eat everything on my plate....but wtf is this...a hardened kitten unless I'm no gourmet...and I was expecting a soft young breast!
Best,
tectak