Ligawan

[jdelacroix]

Welcome to the poetry forum. Thanks for posting this piece... very nice. Has some good imagery in it. I could see it in my mind's eye, but I wish I could understand the emotional undercurrents in it more. At the beginning I thought the two characters had a fight, but then it becomes clear that only the speaker has a problem (with his companion?) while his companion seems quite happy. So I wan't really sure where the tension or angst was coming from. Or maybe the speaker is just needy

I noticed you used "as" a lot (counted 4 lines beginning with it) so maybe you could try rephrasing some of it.

Overall I quite liked it

thanks Addy Yeah the "as" is definitely an eye sore in this poem. I'll revise my work and repost it soon. Thank you very much your comments!