03-10-2010, 11:23 AM
Welcome to the poetry forum. 
Thanks for posting this piece... very nice. Has some good imagery in it. I could see it in my mind's eye, but I wish I could understand the emotional undercurrents in it more. At the beginning I thought the two characters had a fight, but then it becomes clear that only the speaker has a problem (with his companion?) while his companion seems quite happy. So I wan't really sure where the tension or angst was coming from. Or maybe the speaker is just needy 
I noticed you used "as" a lot (counted 4 lines beginning with it) so maybe you could try rephrasing some of it.
Overall I quite liked it
Thanks for posting this piece... very nice. Has some good imagery in it. I could see it in my mind's eye, but I wish I could understand the emotional undercurrents in it more. At the beginning I thought the two characters had a fight, but then it becomes clear that only the speaker has a problem (with his companion?) while his companion seems quite happy. So I wan't really sure where the tension or angst was coming from. Or maybe the speaker is just needy I noticed you used "as" a lot (counted 4 lines beginning with it) so maybe you could try rephrasing some of it.
Overall I quite liked it
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?