06-30-2013, 05:02 PM
(06-30-2013, 07:22 AM)Leanne Wrote:Hi leanne, and sergei if he reads it.(06-20-2013, 08:23 PM)tectak Wrote: Play the violin again;
from hands that flit
let lightly slip
a sigh. -- lovely assonance and alliteration build sonics that already enhance the subject matter -- fricatives and sibilants are perfect
Fold forward into flesch
and scoop the ecstasy. -- fantastic image
Sweep low to bow
to music’s tempting ways. -- the c and t sounds are a little harsh -- is there any way you could fit in "alluring" instead of "tempting" and substitute something softer for "music"?
Your tender notes will soothe the strings; -- with the t on the previous line, this is a touch too tinny -- if the previous t were replaced, the softer nd would predominate and slide into the sibilants more smoothly
we rise, on softly wafting wings,
in air so thin, bells scarcely ring,
and there I hear the sky. -- beautiful synaesthesia
You both make very sound suggestions...though the fulfillment is difficult.
I will try.
I have trouble with the X to Y to Z structure. Too many "to's". That is where I will start.
Best,
tectak

