Edit 2



Edit 1
Play the violin again;
from hands that flit
let lightly slip
a sigh.
Fold forward into flesch
and scoop the ecstasy.
Sweep low to bow
to music’s tempting ways.
Your tender notes will soothe the strings;
we rise, on softly wafting wings,
in air so thin, bells scarcely ring,
and there I hear the sky.

Original:

Play the violin again;
let hands that flit so lightly
slip a sigh.
Fold forward into flesch
and scoop the ecstasy;
sweep low to bow
to music’s tempting ways.
Your tender notes will soothe the strings,
I rise on softly wafting wings
in air so thin, bells scarcely ring,
but there I hear the sky.

Tectak
1992

I like the light and breezy feel of it.

(06-20-2013, 08:23 PM)tectak Wrote:  Play the violin again;
let hands that flit so lightly
Maybe you should break on flit- it's much more interesting than the adverb "lightly".
slip a sigh.
I like the sound of the phrase, but I'm having trouble imagining a violin producing a sigh. A sigh seems breathy and atonal to me.
Fold forward into flesch
I had to research this. If it's not a typo, then I found a Carl Flesch who was a violinist and teacher, who also has a style of chin rest named for him. I'm not sure he's well-known for his compositions.
and scoop the ecstasy;
sweep low to bow
"Bow" with its double-meaning here is extremely good. It can be read coherently as either homograph, though you give the reader a hint with "low".
to music’s tempting ways.
Your tender notes will soothe the strings,
I rise on softly wafting wings
in air so thin, bells scarcely ring,
but there I hear the sky.

Tectak
1992

(06-20-2013, 10:04 PM)svanhoeven Wrote:  I like the light and breezy feel of it.

(06-20-2013, 08:23 PM)tectak Wrote:  Play the violin again;
let hands that flit so lightly
Maybe you should break on flit- it's much more interesting than the adverb "lightly".
slip a sigh.
I like the sound of the phrase, but I'm having trouble imagining a violin producing a sigh. A sigh seems breathy and atonal to me.
Fold forward into flesch
I had to research this. If it's not a typo, then I found a Carl Flesch who was a violinist and teacher, who also has a style of chin rest named for him. I'm not sure he's well-known for his compositions.
and scoop the ecstasy;
sweep low to bow
"Bow" with its double-meaning here is extremely good. It can be read coherently as either homograph, though you give the reader a hint with "low".
to music’s tempting ways.
Your tender notes will soothe the strings,
I rise on softly wafting wings
in air so thin, bells scarcely ring,
but there I hear the sky.

Tectak
1992

Hi svan.
Confession. The line breaks are completely pseudo. Very populist. This is an old poem which I only just rediscovered in the cassette case of a Durham Cathedral Concert recording (2009?) of The Lark Ascending by Ralph Vaughan Williams not Flesch Believe me, a violin can sigh!
Yes. Flesch developed (?) a chin rest for the violin which I am informed was not particularly comfortable but allowed the violinist to almost "grasp" the instrument twixt chin and shoulder giving increased freedom of movement due to enhanced stability. This freedom was apparent in this particular concert as the violinist swooped low and rollingly to get the "flight" tremolo into the music.
I can see her now.
Back to the line splits. This was originally written as one long paragraph. I am not an adherent to the line break=punctuation discipline (to over dignify). I broke the line where I did to add a little poignancy to "slip a sigh". You are as correct as me...just a different viewpoint
Thanks for your comments. Everything gets eaten that's put on my plate.
Best,
tectak.

(06-20-2013, 08:23 PM)tectak Wrote:  Play the violin again; <<< ok, you got the semi in. Cute!
let hands that flit so lightly
slip a sigh. <<< it's good but ... well, nuttin.
Fold forward into flesch << i see no obvious reason for double space. You will know why it is needed here.
and scoop the ecstasy; << scoop? Not easy. the violonist scoops the ecstasy of whom? Her's, the auditory's?
sweep low to bow <<< double space, see above.
to music’s tempting ways.<<< slightly cliché ("tempting ways". Come on. ;-) )
Your tender notes will soothe the strings, <<< tender and soothe! Ouch!
I rise on softly wafting wings << I am mild: tender - soothe -- softly ... ;-)
in air so thin, bells scarcely ring, <<< Nope! Sorry, Friend. ;-)
but there I hear the sky. <<< good!

Tectak
1992 <<< ecce poeta! ;-)

all in all: finely exphrastic*.
cheers
serge, man's drunken thinker


oh: F-lesch: big BIG F, no? ;-) Keep on rockin.

---
* was tempted to write: ex-phrastic, but let's not overdo the Greek.

pps.: let's hands that flit so lightly is superbious.

(06-22-2013, 01:15 AM)serge gurkski Wrote:  

(06-20-2013, 08:23 PM)tectak Wrote:  Play the violin again; <<< ok, you got the semi in. Cute!
let hands that flit so lightly
slip a sigh. <<< it's good but ... well, nuttin.
Fold forward into flesch << i see no obvious reason for double space. You will know why it is needed here.
and scoop the ecstasy; << scoop? Not easy. the violonist scoops the ecstasy of whom? Her's, the auditory's?
sweep low to bow <<< double space, see above.
to music’s tempting ways.<<< slightly cliché ("tempting ways". Come on. ;-) )
Your tender notes will soothe the strings, <<< tender and soothe! Ouch!
I rise on softly wafting wings << I am mild: tender - soothe -- softly ... ;-)
in air so thin, bells scarcely ring, <<< Nope! Sorry, Friend. ;-)
but there I hear the sky. <<< good!

Tectak
1992 <<< ecce poeta! ;-)

all in all: finely exphrastic*.
cheers
serge, man's drunken thinker


oh: F-lesch: big BIG F, no? ;-) Keep on rockin.

---
* was tempted to write: ex-phrastic, but let's not overdo the Greek.

pps.: let's hands that flit so lightly is superbious.

Perceptive and sergically precise but any double spaces are accidents. I do not see them but if you do you may remove them in your copy which, no doubt, you will keep in your wallet, close to your heart.
I do appreciate you comments on the somewhat "chocolate box" sentiments expressed latterly in the piece but would excuse myself on genre-genuine grounds.
"scoops the ecstasy" is a little precious. It was contemporaneous consideration; if you were not there you could not see it...my fault. I did not do a good enough job of eulogising.
Physics. If air is thin enough (vaccuum) sound is not transmitted.The silence of space. The higher you go, the thinner the air. As air thins, sound diminishes. End.
Best and thanks,
tectak

don't defend what once was fine. sigh. etc.

---

(06-20-2013, 08:23 PM)tectak Wrote:  Play the violin again;
let hands that flit so lightly
slip a sigh.
Fold forward into flesch <<< ...into X Flesch
and scoop the ecstasy;
sweep low to bow <<< to X bow
to music’s tempting ways.
Your tender notes will soothe the strings,
I rise on softly wafting wings
in air so thin, bells scarcely ring, <<< in sigh! X_ air (finally)
but there I hear the sky. <<< I ................ hear (for godsake! yeah!)

Tectak
1992

cheers
serge

---

I never said it was close to bad, your poem, did I?
Let me show you why it could be good:


Play the violin again!

Let hands that flit so lightly
slip a sigh!

Fold forward into Flesch
and scoop the ecstasy!

Sweep low to bow
to music’s tempting ways!

Your tender notes will soothe the strings.

I rise on softly wafting wings
in air so thin, bells scarcely ring:

but there I hear the sky.

---

let hands that flit so lightly slip a sigh
...
I rise on wings on air so thin
bells scarcely ring:

I hear the sky.
----

Thank you for this, Tom.

Wonderful poetry.

cheers
serge

Tom:" As air thins, sound diminishes. End."

cute haha.

qed right!
cheers

(06-22-2013, 01:59 PM)serge gurkski Wrote:  Tom:" As air thins, sound diminishes. End."

cute haha.

qed right!
cheers

Re the F lesch. I don't know. I have asked my violining friend for her opinion but she says it is optional...then I realised that she meant the chin rest was optional. As it is just known by exponents as a pseuodonym for a chin rest ( I hope I am right about this) I guess it could be without the capital...rather like diesel.
Best,
tectak

high tom, like a twat i read the feedback first, so now i'm struggling
a couple of nits really, nothing more. like svan said (i forgot your name old chap ) it has a light airy feel to it,
thanks for the read. .

(06-20-2013, 08:23 PM)tectak Wrote:  Play the violin again;
let hands that flit so lightly for me this is a better 1st line
slip a sigh. a suggestion would be [slide a sigh]
Fold forward into flesch i'd like to say "i knew what this was" but i didn't i still googled it and it's a lovely word.
and scoop the ecstasy; i have see some violinists and i must say, they do sometimes look ecstatic.
sweep low to bow
to music’s tempting ways.
Your tender notes will soothe the strings,
I rise on softly wafting wings considering the [will soothe] would [i'll rise] be more in line with making the tense less ambiguous?
in air so thin, bells scarcely ring,
but there I hear the sky. does it need the [but]

Tectak
1992

(06-20-2013, 08:23 PM)tectak Wrote:  Play the violin again;
let hands that flit so lightly
slip a sigh.

I like the wording just never heard what a sigh from a violin sounds like so I read it as nice as it is but have yet to understand it as it is

Quote:Fold forward into flesch
and scoop the ecstasy;
sweep low to bow
to music’s tempting ways.

Its my understanding that flesch is a chinrest

Quote:Your tender notes will soothe the strings,
I rise on softly wafting wings
in air so thin, bells scarcely ring,
but there I hear the sky.

I think you could also do without "so" in "in air so thin" and 'but' in the ending line. As it reads like "but there" which takes away from the "I hear the sky"[/[/quote]b]

Tectak
1992

(06-23-2013, 12:04 PM)R.C. KITCHENS Wrote:  

(06-20-2013, 08:23 PM)tectak Wrote:  Play the violin again;
let hands that flit so lightly
slip a sigh.

I like the wording just never heard what a sigh from a violin sounds like so I read it as nice as it is but have yet to understand it as it isimagine

Quote:Fold forward into flesch
and scoop the ecstasy;
sweep low to bow
to music’s tempting ways.

Its my understanding that flesch is a chinrestyes

Quote:Your tender notes will soothe the strings,
I rise on softly wafting wings
in air so thin, bells scarcely ring,
but there I hear the sky.

I think you could also do without "so" in "in air so thin" and 'but' in the ending line. As it reads like "but there" which takes away from the "I hear the sky"[/

b]

Tectak
1992
[/quote]

Hi RC,
Thanks for all of this. I didn't get time to reply to your earlier. The "slip a sigh" line break, as I said to svan, is a random choice but if subconsciously I made a rational decision it is because of the "let" on the previous line clicking into cliched place with "let slip a sigh" (being just concealed enough to escape attention!)
Don't know about omitting the "so" as the quantitive descriptor because "in air thin" makes little sense to me. See my reply to serge for the physics
Yes,though, there is translocation in the last lines. I will look again.
Best,
tectak

(06-22-2013, 05:12 PM)billy Wrote:  high tom, like a twat i read the feedback first, so now i'm struggling
a couple of nits really, nothing more. like svan said (i forgot your name old chap ) it has a light airy feel to it,
thanks for the read. .

(06-20-2013, 08:23 PM)tectak Wrote:  Play the violin again;
let hands that flit so lightly for me this is a better 1st line
slip a sigh. a suggestion would be [slide a sigh]
Fold forward into flesch i'd like to say "i knew what this was" but i didn't i still googled it and it's a lovely word.
and scoop the ecstasy; i have see some violinists and i must say, they do sometimes look ecstatic.
sweep low to bow
to music’s tempting ways.
Your tender notes will soothe the strings,
I rise on softly wafting wings considering the [will soothe] would [i'll rise] be more in line with making the tense less ambiguous?
in air so thin, bells scarcely ring,
but there I hear the sky. does it need the [but]

Tectak
1992

Hi billy,
lilke a twat I replied to others before reading yours!
The first line debate is interesting because I KNOW that I wrote that first line as the audience begged by polite applause that she, the performer, played the violin again...I guess it is just "Encore!" in other words.
You are right on the tenses BUT I noticed , too, and so omitted the implied "I'll" for "I will rise" deliberately before posting. Originally it was
"Your tender notes will soothe the strings,
rising on softly wafting wings..." What say you?
Best,
tectak

(06-20-2013, 08:23 PM)tectak Wrote:  This will most likely be more of a commentary than a critique.

Play the violin again; -- I think you should mention Flesch in the first line so it is clear that the poem is about him.
let hands that flit so lightly
slip a sigh. - I would use a better verb than "slip"
Fold forward into flesch -Capitalize proper nouns.
and scoop the ecstasy;
sweep low to bow
to music’s tempting ways.
Your tender notes will soothe the strings,
I rise on softly wafting wings
in air so thin, bells scarcely ring, - Thin air is tangible I think more details like that would help draw out the feeling.
but there I hear the sky.

Tectak
1992

This poem seems ambiguous to me, but many things obvious to some are ambiguous to me.

(06-24-2013, 12:36 AM)Brownlie Wrote:  

(06-20-2013, 08:23 PM)tectak Wrote:  This will most likely be more of a commentary than a critique.

Play the violin again; -- I think you should mention Flesch in the first line so it is clear that the poem is about him.
let hands that flit so lightly
slip a sigh. - I would use a better verb than "slip"
Fold forward into flesch -Capitalize proper nouns.
and scoop the ecstasy;
sweep low to bow
to music’s tempting ways.
Your tender notes will soothe the strings,
I rise on softly wafting wings
in air so thin, bells scarcely ring, - Thin air is tangible I think more details like that would help draw out the feeling.
but there I hear the sky.

Tectak
1992

This poem seems ambiguous to me, but many things obvious to some are ambiguous to me.

Hi brownlie,
you are quite uniquely lateral!
First: The last thing the poem is about is Carl Flesch! Just happens that he devised a chin rest
Second: The last thing thin air is, is tangible. Is tangible the word you meant to use?I can remember when you were tenuous Help.
Third: The last thing this poem is, is ambiguous. You are looking for profundity where none exists. It is about a violinist playing a violin. That is all
Fourth: Not sure about capitalising flesch. My car runs on diesel. I use a hoover. I used to use a biro. Nonetheless, point taken.
Fifth: I think a point is made on "slip". I have explained that it links to the "let" previous as in "let slip a sigh" but I think I failed here. I will look at it again.
I like your crits because they indicate to me that I must be more sure-footed!
Best,
tectak

(06-20-2013, 08:23 PM)tectak Wrote:  Play the violin again;
let hands that flit so lightly
slip a sigh.
Fold forward into flesch
and scoop the ecstasy;
sweep low to bow
to music’s tempting ways.
Your tender notes will soothe the strings,
I rise on softly wafting wings
in air so thin, bells scarcely ring,
but there I hear the sky.

Tectak
1992

I see it was written in 1992, when every poem had a "sigh" and that was ok, when "thin air" could survive in poems that weren't parodies - Kurt Cobain was a rock hero for god's sake!!

"so lightly", "so thin" - meh

"to bow to music" is one to too many (being 2 but of course preceded by into)

"I rise on softly wafting wings"? this is Jeffrey Osbourne not pearl Jam!

I like your newer stuff better but you wouldn't want to read anything I wrote in '92, that much is certain!

(06-24-2013, 05:03 AM)milo Wrote:  

(06-20-2013, 08:23 PM)tectak Wrote:  Play the violin again;
let hands that flit so lightly
slip a sigh.
Fold forward into flesch
and scoop the ecstasy;
sweep low to bow
to music’s tempting ways.
Your tender notes will soothe the strings,
I rise on softly wafting wings
in air so thin, bells scarcely ring,
but there I hear the sky.

Tectak
1992

I see it was written in 1992, when every poem had a "sigh" and that was ok, when "thin air" could survive in poems that weren't parodies - Kurt Cobain was a rock hero for god's sake!!

"so lightly", "so thin" - meh

"to bow to music" is one to too many (being 2 but of course preceded by into)

"I rise on softly wafting wings"? this is Jeffrey Osbourne not pearl Jam!

I like your newer stuff better but you wouldn't want to read anything I wrote in '92, that much is certain!

Shit milo, I was in love...have you no soul?

(06-24-2013, 05:10 AM)tectak Wrote:  

(06-24-2013, 05:03 AM)milo Wrote:  

(06-20-2013, 08:23 PM)tectak Wrote:  Play the violin again;
let hands that flit so lightly
slip a sigh.
Fold forward into flesch
and scoop the ecstasy;
sweep low to bow
to music’s tempting ways.
Your tender notes will soothe the strings,
I rise on softly wafting wings
in air so thin, bells scarcely ring,
but there I hear the sky.

Tectak
1992

I see it was written in 1992, when every poem had a "sigh" and that was ok, when "thin air" could survive in poems that weren't parodies - Kurt Cobain was a rock hero for god's sake!!

"so lightly", "so thin" - meh

"to bow to music" is one to too many (being 2 but of course preceded by into)

"I rise on softly wafting wings"? this is Jeffrey Osbourne not pearl Jam!

I like your newer stuff better but you wouldn't want to read anything I wrote in '92, that much is certain!

Shit milo, I was in love...have you no soul?

Hey, I remember '92, I was in love then too!!

(06-24-2013, 05:12 AM)milo Wrote:  

(06-24-2013, 05:10 AM)tectak Wrote:  

(06-24-2013, 05:03 AM)milo Wrote:  I see it was written in 1992, when every poem had a "sigh" and that was ok, when "thin air" could survive in poems that weren't parodies - Kurt Cobain was a rock hero for god's sake!!

"so lightly", "so thin" - meh

"to bow to music" is one to too many (being 2 but of course preceded by into)

"I rise on softly wafting wings"? this is Jeffrey Osbourne not pearl Jam!

I like your newer stuff better but you wouldn't want to read anything I wrote in '92, that much is certain!

Shit milo, I was in love...have you no soul?

Hey, I remember '92, I was in love then too!!

Holy shit! You weren't the scouse lass with the pubic wig that I married then found she meant genital herpes?

(06-24-2013, 06:17 AM)tectak Wrote:  

(06-24-2013, 05:12 AM)milo Wrote:  

(06-24-2013, 05:10 AM)tectak Wrote:  Shit milo, I was in love...have you no soul?

Hey, I remember '92, I was in love then too!!

Holy shit! You weren't the scouse lass with the pubic wig that I married then found she meant genital herpes?

that depends. i remember promises of a manor with a view of a river in southern France, not a $20/hour room with bars in the windows.

Who was lying to whom?

I'm a bit late to this so I have not read others crit just did mine for what it's worth.

(06-20-2013, 08:23 PM)tectak Wrote:  Play the violin again;
let hands that flit so lightly
slip a sigh. why sigh? I like the flit slip but its lost, could break before lightly and let it stand out
Fold forward into flesch
and scoop the ecstasy;
sweep low to bow good use of double meaning
to music’s tempting ways.
Your tender notes will soothe the strings, solid line for a love poem
I rise on softly wafting wings not keen on wafting, suggest breathless to pick up thin air
in air so thin, bells scarcely ring, great image
but there I hear the sky. solid ending takes us to a higher level
Tectak
1992

Ah loves lost love, high above the clouds aside a mountain listening to distant church bell lost in the thin air, but then oh what must it be like to love someone so much you hear the sky. I enjoyed this very much. Best TOMH