Road-Kill

[tectak]

Note: I understand if you get bored before you finish the poem. If anyone has the time or energy I would love to see any metrical problems or places that seem padded.
Hi brownlie,
Lots of language problems in this. You really should attempt to correct before posting...but you are an interesting crit so this is for you STOP capitalising every line. It is retro.

On scraggly crooked paths that dizzy me
Are hares that dart in front of cars and wheels I don't know. Are they? These wheels(1)...are they fastened to anything? Comma after scraggly. Is this the right word? Not confident.
When frantic panting hearts are seen in haste Full stop after "wheels". Comma after frantic. How do you "see" a heart, of a hare, in haste? Not good imagery.
The metal machines grind with clashing gears MA-chines seems necessary. Emphasises wonky.
Break-pads will wear and fade when endless roads For goodness sake, BRAKE! Why would they wear (ware )if you never stopped. Nonsensense.
Are traveled without stopping. Metal rusts Basic spelling. Check if you cannot spell correctly BEFORE posting in serious
And frantic hares will pay the price for ware.WEAR! Repeats of frantic
The crunching fragile spines will snap so quick Syntax. Quickly
The tragic deaths of running creatures reminds A foot too long. Meter.
Of organic costs for lost and searching wheelsSyntax. Not reminds of. REMINDS US OF , but do not worry, the sentence makes no sense anyway. Wheels (2) again
Displaced drivers float in metal husks
That take away the drivers bodily feel Good but syntax buggered at line end.
For floating metal machines move apart Now you have lost it. READ IT LOUD. If you cannot see what is wrong with this you should repost in mild crit. I know exactly what you are trying to say but you are not articulating your thinking. The thought has become the all...but you are transmitting in Navaho
From synapse strikes that guide the flesh to feel
When limbs are moved. Sadly crunching bones Grammar confusion. Do you mean crunching bones is sad, (Sadly, crunching bones ..) or do you mean crunching is sad (sadly crunching) or do you mean either but specifically and oddly only the mastication of rodent's bones? It is all a muddle. Put it right.
Of rodents brittle bodies quick in fear Apostrophe. Basic error. Full stop after fear. Basic error. There are way too many of these mistakes for serious crit.
A fleeting feeling quickly passes me
But death is not a halting force to stop
A driver. Death is quick and fleeting fast I would fundamentally disagree if I could untangle your convoluted English. Sorry, brownlie, but it is becoming a lost cause. Irksome
And sudden taking life away from beasts
That move in sudden grasps of blinding flight.
Emotion does guide a hare to doom by quick This sentence does me force to say that it makes no sense does not. I should drink more water. Sorry. Personal remark...it does get me like that sometimes.
And crushing wastrels. Lost on roads that wind "Lost on roads that wind in spirals" is not a sentence. You do see that, don't you?
In spirals. Drunken furies brought the death
Of many frantic hares that beat with life.
Escape was never had for me. Lament Escape was never had for me? What the hell does this mean? I am now getting irritated
Consumes a wander lost like me that movesDrivel
In blind emotion. Sadly, I have crushed Kin
That dart and run on roads in fury’s grip.
Perhaps if we had known that life was quick
And heedless. Love would grow in barren wastes.
But now in quickly moving feet that press
Upon the gas of swiftly moving cars
The metal moving us takes us away
From each other. You may pass under wheels wheels(3)
And growing weeds that crack concrete are lost.
And metal takes the beating vibrant course
That flows within a beating chest and I
Will barely see a guiding light that shines
In burning bursts of flame that gleam a past
Gone by. The stars at night have cast their light
So long ago and cars get lost on roads
That spin in circles that we can chase
Until a dizzy haze consumes a lost
And running being such as I who veers
Into shadows and wanders blindfolded.
If I had known that frantic rattle you
Had pulsed wildly I could ease these eyes
That strain to find a path and maybe we
Would not be struck by fear and run into
The blaring lights of rushing cars that move
Without a thought to struggles you and I
Have seen while living life as chasing fools
Who dart in front of cars and feel the crush
Of crashing metal as gravity resists our course.
But death is quick as crushing road-kill is
In quickly jerking motions life is lost
And love will flicker quickly running past My hat! Talk about afterthoughts! Dreadfully gratuitous attempt to con the crits. Pathetic and insulting. Not worthy. See end where I unapologetically repeat myself.
To die and yield under a set of wheels.wheels(4)

This is unworthy of you. It says very little but takes the scenic route. Driving fast kills things. End.
You are expecting far too much of your ability...your muse left the building a long way back. Forget about meter. You have other things to attend to.
Best,
tectak