Watching Out edit 1 milo

[tectak]

Dress crushed upon the floor. Wine stained. Stained. "on, not upon"
Shoes apart by a full bed length. One heel broken. Broken.
Door to bathroom trail of bottles, tubes, potions, pills. Some crushed. skipping the article before bathroom doesn't work. Also, why not just "bathroom door"?
Lipstick smeared greedily around bursting, baby lips. Baby. "greedily" feels like the wrong word but you do need something there.
Leg dangling, arm dangling, hair swept by awkward winds. Breathing. it is not mine, but if it was I would eliminate "by" for a period - "hair swept. awkward winds. Breathing
Young breasts like uncared for kittens that will stay out all night. Lights out. "You breasts like uncared for kittens" is fucking awesome!!!
Asleep but still plugged in to mp3. Pink wired ears, buzzing. Asleep. "plugged in to mp3" is awkward
4 a.m. Home. Safe. Seventeen. Safe.
tectak
2013

The repetition is inspired and very effective. Overall, this is a draft to be sure, but once you are done, this may end up being the poem I like the best from you.

Many,many thanks milo.
This is as near as I get to terse-verse and accordingly I pack as many errors as possible into a tiny space. The on-upon. Of course.
Missing "the" because it is from bedroom door to bathroom door. I tried to avoid double doors...so " From door to bathroom.."?
I need to think about the hair but "greedily" like a baby eats jam and gets it smeared around the mouth.
All will be taken up. I will workshop this one.
Best
tectak

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Dress crushed upon the floor. Wine stained. Stained. -- Can you describe the wine in more detail what did the stain look like?
Shoes apart by a full bed length. One heel broken. Broken.
Door to bathroom trail of bottles, tubes, potions, pills. Some crushed.
Lipstick smeared greedily around bursting, baby lips. Baby.
Leg dangling, arm dangling, hair swept by awkward winds. Breathing.
Young breasts like uncared for kittens that will stay out all night. Lights out. -- You have some interesting images but the syntax seems awkward and unnatural
Asleep but still plugged in to mp3. Pink wired ears, buzzing. Asleep.
4 a.m. Home. Safe. Seventeen. Safe. --This feels paternal, maybe its not, but I like the paternal feel if it is.
tectak
2013

I like the ear buds when juxtaposed with the paternal concern for safety. If it is a poem about a daughter I'd like to hear more. Hopefully my imagination hasn't conjectured too much. Keep posting poems. Your feedback is valued.

Hi brownlie,
You make me ponder. The wine? Elegant Frog, 2011. Stain uncertain but hopefully same wine. Looked like a squashed toad.
Meant to be a father checking on his daughters condition after lare night. We can have anything in the poem as there is only imagination in the scrabble bag.
I am workshopping this.
Thanks for your positive response but as it is about a completely fictional daughter you can think your own further thoughts with impunity from prosecution
Best,
tectak

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Dress crushed upon the floor. Wine stained. Stained.
Shoes apart by a full bed length. One heel broken. Broken.
Door to bathroom trail of bottles, tubes, potions, pills. Some crushed.
Lipstick smeared greedily around bursting, baby lips. Baby.
Leg dangling, arm dangling, hair swept by awkward winds. Breathing.
Young breasts like uncared for kittens that will stay out all night. Lights out.
Asleep but still plugged in to mp3. Pink wired ears, buzzing. Asleep.
4 a.m. Home. Safe. Seventeen. Safe.

tectak
2013

I see the stamping as a reinforcement word. It works, It is a little repetitive though. Good imagery and set piece. I like the "worrying" it implies.

Hi RC,
Your seul point was interesting. At one moment I nearly considered calling this one "Worrying Times".
Best,
tectak