A Fish's Ascension

[Zerric]

I write raps, but I like to share this with people. Poem/Story.


My despondent life moves with the waves of a dreary ocean, I bare emotions of a fish that’s lost his way
At constant times I drown in a place where there’s barley solace,

I'm sorry...i didn't really get past this..."Barley Solace" cracked me up.

And ventricles in fish...ventricles are the chambers in the heart...and i'm not sure how many fish have...i thot 1...at least that's what i learned in biology, oh so long ago...i think.

I find this hard to read. Maybe its because the lines are so long...or maybe its because certain phrases are thrown in there just so a rhyme would form.
They sound pretentious in poetry.
ex's: yearn my urn
shock me shook,

I guess in rap you could get away without grammar, but poetry has to have atleast some grammar. "My pumping ventricles are wished to be clogged by an Octopus, whose absorbent grungy tentacles" the grammar in that line makes no sense at all.