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#1
Look what fine duds we've got today!
stretched taut across waifish legs, shoulder blades.
And who could dare to deny praise
to a bloom of printed cotton like the month of May
a wind breaker never broke so many hearts
as one serged around the cuffs with tuffs of elastic
white hose and rose never looked so smart

Oh the glory of the loom is gone now
no warp, no weft, no Athena and Arachne
just poly and ester, synthetics forever
and a twenty in your pocket
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#2
This could use some work imo. I think your ideas could be conveyed a bit more clearer. Also could leave out some phrases. Like this line "And who could care to deny praise". I feel you could take out "to" and it would flow smoother because it sounds out of place to me. Still I could see this being a good drop. Keep at it.
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#3
(06-15-2013, 07:25 AM)thislimeismine Wrote:  
Quote:Look what fine duds we've got today!
stretched taut across waifish legs, shoulder blades.
I think "taut" along with stretched does not convey correctly. I know tautness means drawn tight, but it seems it would convey better said differently. and waifish isnt a word i'm familiar with so I googled it. There
is an explanation of waifish figure, but, I dont know if it works with "legs" versus a waifish describing a whole figure.

And who could dare to deny praise
to a bloom of printed cotton like the month of May
a wind breaker never broke so many hearts
as one serged around the cuffs with tuffs of elastic
white hose and rose never looked so smart

Oh the glory of the loom is gone now
no warp, no weft, no Athena and Arachne
just poly and ester, synthetics forever
and a twenty in your pocket

I think you got a central theme, this first part to me could use some work.
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