Sun-wise (Re-post from misc to get crit)

[Keith]

Stone grinds out a diamond arc,
trilithons frame the heel.
Beasts of burden down from field,
parade around the fires wheel. "fire's wheel" or "fire wheel" or "fired wheel"

Rural beacons blind the night,
leapers launch above the flames,
marking out the crops new height,
all-fathers play their manly games.

Sun passes power onto leaf,
vervain, trefoil, rue and rose
sleep to dream of loves new lease,
the bard within reclaims belief.

Hi TOMH,
We are risk of becoming seen as members of a mutual admiration society...for which I hold you responsible:)
This is good poetry....though not an acceptable crit, and so I will expand.
What you have done is condense. The words are compact and dense without becoming over-adjectival or clever. The balance is excellent. There are bits I do not "like" but I cannot deny that having a personal opinion of a piece is what tells me that I like it enough to care.
In S1, for example, there is a beacon of need in the singularly turned phrase "Beasts of burden down from field" which has an at once "unnatural" and yet colloquial "feel" to it (...Beasts of burden down from't field.) For me, though, it is a lubricated rhyme which slips in without too much force. The hyphenated "all-fathers" is also enigmatic. Is it a term I am unaware of in this pagan portrait? If not, why?
S3 loses nothing by breaking the at best tenuous rhyme scheme but it does not stamp intent on the verse. In other words, it could be accidental. You could firm it up by saying "stop" at the end of L3. A full stop would isolate the closing line and definitively declare that you are not trying for rhyme in this stanza. There are other ways but who am I to suggest alternatives?
By the way, last line. "prose" rhymes with "rose". Oh, bugger. I just can't help myself.:)
Very Best,
tectak

Hi tectak, don't worry about mutual appreciation normal service will resume and I'll be back to writing crap, he says twirling his cap....see.
From the start, I will thank you for your considered crit and I will come clean, I didn't notice and wasn't trying for a rhyming scheme the mess you see is just how it fell but I did consider down from the field and I got stuck on it, so took it out then thought down from field sounded a bit light from yonder window or erm down from field he was but then though it sounds ok, leave it. I also considered from't but not the language I was going for so nuff said.

I will pick, fire's wheel, thanks for pointing that out will edit.

The All-fathers is linked to the crops being a strong yield and made so by playing manly games, hence the comma, today the Highland games still has its roots here. All-fathers is the Sunday before Summer solstice we now it as fathers day and we still play our manly games when allowed too.

I am trying to rhyme in the last stanza, leaf, lease, belief. I'm just not following a scheme. There was a belief that if you slept with these powerful flowers under your pillow then you would dream of your future lover or obtain the power of the bard or go mad and be taken by the fairies...sound familiar.

Thanks tectak much appreciated, my new feedback line is "Lubricated rhyme that slips in without too much force":D best Keith

---

Stone grinds out a diamond arc,
trilithons frame the heel.
Beasts of burden down from field,
parade around the fires wheel.

Rural beacons blind the night,
leapers launch above the flames,
marking out the crops new height,
all-fathers play their manly games.

Sun passes power onto leaf,
vervain, trefoil, rue and rose
sleep to dream of loves new lease,
the bard within reclaims belief.

Hello TimeOnMyHands,

This is a little Emily Dickinson, a little early King Crimson. Those are meant as compliments.

Obviously you understand meter, and I sense the liberties you took are intentional. That slight askew-ness and odd scheme in S3 are why I like it. It flirts with precision, but doesn't totally commit. Hence, the Dickinson comparison.

The oblique, almost psychedelic references are just out there enough, and still allow the poem an air of accessibility. Hence, the King Crimson comparison.

In short, I like this very much.

Hello Fogglethorpe
If Crimson and ED are on the list I must have someone else's ticket by mistake, but for now I'll take the compliment. Alas I fear the liberties are just that and my most received crit phrase is Lubric....no not that one, is "the meter needs some work" and it usually does.

The last stanza does seem a bit flower power now you mention it but that was never my intention, however I was trying to tell a tale so to speak. Many thanks for your feedback and kind comments. Keith