03-09-2010, 02:29 PM
Addy pretty much answered the external revisions of the poem. So here's something that can be of use for this poem. So here goes...
Thumbs up for establishing a poetic license by not capitalizing the first letter, it sort of supports the last line where there is no period. However PL shouldn’t be an excuse for taking away the poem’s internal logic. Hence you were successful in establishing PL, but you seem to have overlooked in answering why, such as the added empty space between 11 and 12.
Oh and try to materialized the adjectives and adverbs. Aside from its non-sensory function it's prone to cliches.
Anyway I think this poem can be revised. It's better than Last Words.
Thumbs up for establishing a poetic license by not capitalizing the first letter, it sort of supports the last line where there is no period. However PL shouldn’t be an excuse for taking away the poem’s internal logic. Hence you were successful in establishing PL, but you seem to have overlooked in answering why, such as the added empty space between 11 and 12.
Oh and try to materialized the adjectives and adverbs. Aside from its non-sensory function it's prone to cliches.
Anyway I think this poem can be revised. It's better than Last Words.