06-21-2013, 08:46 AM
Makes me feel very uncomfortable to a point where it is almost scary - so well done!
I'm not sure, but I think to me the lack of imagery here drives home a point. Since it is written entirely from the perspective of the suicidal person it seems like a more realistic and intense portrayal of his/her psychological state.
The repetition creates a restlessness (and numbness as MissKiss has said), but I agree that the edited version without the "and"s is better - still repetitive and without the connecting "and"s it feels even more like a chant.
Very intense and impressive!
Quote: I'd like to see imagery to your suicidal thoughts. Maybe less repetitive words.
I'm not sure, but I think to me the lack of imagery here drives home a point. Since it is written entirely from the perspective of the suicidal person it seems like a more realistic and intense portrayal of his/her psychological state.
The repetition creates a restlessness (and numbness as MissKiss has said), but I agree that the edited version without the "and"s is better - still repetitive and without the connecting "and"s it feels even more like a chant.
Very intense and impressive!